Saturday, June 27, 2009

Our Shared Childhood

I have been struggling since Brandon's death, with the fact that I am now an only child.......

I have tried to put it in words but have never quite gotten it right. When Brandon died, part of me died with him. I have always heard people say that, but I did not understand what it meant. I thought, when I heard it, that it was just another way to say, "I miss him so much." But it is so much more than that. I understand that now...............

Recently, I have been reading Rhett Brother's People by Donald McCaig. And in the middle of this summer read, on page 114 in fact, was the sentence that summed it up. "When Charles died, the Hamilton's shared childhood died with him......."

That is exactly how I feel. When Brandon died, all that was our shared childhood died also. I have no one who "knows". No one who understands. No one for whom these phrases and many more make any sense.
"Boochie Tag!"
"I'll be Jenny, you be Timmy."
"Momma loves her Owen."
"Workin' on the hobby....."
"Mom loves me best!'
"I know what you're getting."
"Show me the funny..."
It makes me sadder that I can say. I hate hate hate being an only child. I don't know why anyone would choose to make their child an only child. I can tell you, it is a sad and lonely job. No child should ever have to grow up alone. It makes me even more resolved to complete our new adoption. I would hate for The Little Prince to be where I am today. I guess one could argue that if you don't know any better, you'll be alright. I disagree.

Life is meant to be shared,'s meant to be shared.......

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