Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Well.... a lot has happened since my last post. The birthmother did not choose us. She chose the other couple instead. It was a 50/50 shot. My extended family feels like she chose the wrong couple. They feel like we were rejected. They feel like we lost. I, on the other hand, do not. (Are you amazed at that? Cause I am, just a little......) Suzanne from the agency said that "S" spent a long, long time with our album. She loved the Little Prince. Thought he would be a wonderful big brother. Thought he was so handsome. Loved the fact that both Big and Little Princes are adopted. Loved that we had taken this baby, this child, this miracle not of our flesh and had given him "the dream" that all birthmothers dream for the babies that they carry. Here it was, documented in photos and in words poured straight from my heart. She could see that we would love this baby and give it all that she was unable to provide at this time......yet, she chose the other couple. "WHY??" asks my family.............

I'll tell you why. When she looked at our album, she saw all of the things listed above and more. When she looked at the album of the other couple, she saw a love of playing the guitar (the birthfather plays the guitar), she saw an adoptive couple who have a military background (her own daddy is in the military), in short, she saw "signs"........Signs that said to her, "this is the family I get to create for may baby". They value the things I value. There is comfort in the familiar. The other couple was familiar to her, even though she was meeting them just then for the first time in the pages of their album.

Don't we all look for signs? I know I do. I thought it was a sign that this baby was 1/4 Asian and I've dreamed of a little girl from China for so long. I thought it was a sign that this baby was conceived in September, when we were losing my brother Brandon. I thought it was a sign that I have prayed for this adoption to be quick and "S" was due in June. I thought it was a sign when I read my devotion for Friday and the verse was about praying for a child.....So why then, am I OK that we are NOT getting this child?

When Suzanne called and said that "S" had picked the other couple (and told me the reasons why) I was instantly filled with peace. I was reminded of the episode of "Friends" when Rachel took the pregnancy test and Phoebe read the results and told Rachel that it was negative. Rachel tried to put on the brave face, but it was obvious to everyone that she was sad to not be pregnant. When Phoebe revealed the real result (positive) Rachel was overjoyed. When she asked Phoebe why she did that, Phoebe said, "Now you know how you really feel about being pregnant."

When I got told "Not this time." I knew in that instant how I REALLY felt about it. I was OK. Really OK. See, I was already regretting the fact that I was not going to get to take time off from work to love on this baby. If he/she came in June, I'd still have to go back to work in August. I'd only have a month at home. This sounds like a good chunk of time until you are really in it and are also "getting ready for school to start" at the same time you are trying to bond with a baby that did not grow in your body. I know that I would have started school exhausted and feeling like I got cheated from giving my undivided attention to this new little one. God knows the desires of our hearts, and that is evidenced by His plan in this situation. I did not even KNOW I felt this way, until we were told, "Not this time." It is lovely how God handles everything when I just give up control to Him. I am trying more and more to be still and do just that.

Today is Mother's Day. I am so thankful to "C", who made me a mother 8 short years ago. She did for me what medical science could not. She made me a mommy. I am thankful today for "S" who chose the other couple. Who are delighting in the fact that today holds a new meaning for them.....because their new baby is about 1 month away. I am thankful and in constant prayer for our "new" birthmother, where ever she is, who ever she is........we don't know one another yet....but we will soon......because I feel certain that our child has already been conceived and will be revealed to us in good time. I am thankful for my own mother, who spent this Mother's Day as her first without her 35 year old baby boy saying, "The Mom....Happy Mother's Day!" and to me, you know that "Mom loves me best!" (the running joke between the two of us), and for my sweet, sweet Granny, who's 78th birthday is today. And we pray that what makes her mind slip further away and confuses her more and more holds off for many more years.........I am thankful form my cousin Marc and his wife Crystal, who cautiously stand pregnant at 15 weeks, the longest she's ever carried to date, and whose every breath is careful and measured lest this baby goes to Heaven early like the others........and I am thankful for my many sweet friends, each on different legs of their journey into motherhood, and for those special bonds we share.

Proverbs 31:28-30 "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he blesses her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Striving to do the noble thing Princess.......striving to do the noble thing...........

Friday, May 1, 2009

49 Days.....

Everyone has been asking me, "How's the adoption going?" which in and of itself is still kind of shocking....(I keep waiting for Brad to put the brakes on the whole show) and I have been quick to say that "Suzanne at the agency is worrying about it for me and that until I get THE CALL, I don't really have to worry about it." I don't mean that in a flippant way, I just mean that finally, someone other than me is dealing with the who, what, when, where, why and how of it all...... And that, until Suzanne calls, I just go on about my life with the Big Prince and the Little Prince and all of the school children, and making it 18 more school days until I am out for summer and can breathe......etc......





This week, my school offered to send me to a conference in July for National Board Certified Teachers, to the tune of 1500.00 (for free). I love love love going to teacher conferences. Especially on someone else's dime. Not sure if you are aware or not, but Alabama is currently under pro-ration, which means there is no money for anything. My super assistant principal (also a NBCT) even offered to fill out a good portion of the mountainous paperwork involved in procuring the funding. All I needed to do was give it the ol' John Hancock and we'd be out the door. The only problem was, everytime I thought about going, I got a little ill. Just sort of a dread and heavy feeling coming over me. I put it off to being tired and ready for school to be out. I tried to rationalize that no one looks a gift horse in the mouth. I tried to psych myself up. Then finally I realized that if I was dreading it this much, then something was telling me NOT to go.

So I told Mr. Assistant Principal that I was a no-go on the conference. Then, just this afternoon when I was on the phone to my "Yankee Friend" http://www.jensadoptionblessings.blogspot.com/




and fellow kindergarten teacher/infertility agonizer/adoption soul mate Jennifer telling her this whole ordeal, all the while saying, "I don't know if you'll be proud of me or mad at me...." (Jennifer loves a good deal and someone forking out 1500.00 bucks for me to go to a conference is right up her ally..) Guess what happened?.......Literally right in the middle of me saying that something was telling me NOT to go and Jennifer asking me if I thought it was a sign..........





THE CALL CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






49 days after "officially waiting" Suzanne called us to say that she'd be showing our book on Monday to a girl who is due in JUNE! A pregnant-girl with great health, with a supportive family and boyfriend, a college age, non-smoking, non-drinking, non-illegal drug using gonna have a baby in JUNE pregnant-girl......





Ready for more good news.....





When we filled out our adoption profile, one of the "choices" we checked was Asian/Caucasian (everyone knows of my not so secret desire to run straight to China to get a little girl. Or two. Or more). Suzanne point-blank said, "That NEVER happens...in Alabama." Oh. OK. Guess she knows, what with this being her business and all.....





Get this.........this girl with great health, with a supportive family and boyfriend, a college age, non-smoking, non-drinking, non-illegal drug using gonna have a baby in JUNE pregnant-girl......is 1/2 Asian, 1/2 Caucasian. The birth father is Caucasian. This baby (did I mention that he/she is due in JUNE???) will be 1/4 Asian. It may not be like going to China......but it might just be the closest you can get without leaving the state of Alabama! I already have a lot of information but in the interest of privacy cannot share it here. It is all extremely encouraging.....





So, Miss S will be shown our book and the book of another couple. It's a 50/50 shot. I should know something by Monday afternoon. Oh, and the baby....the one that is due in JUNE......we're not sure yet if it's a boy or a girl.......but it is due in JUNE! (Did I mention that today is MAY 1st????) :-) 49 days ago we were "officially waiting".....on day 53, we might really know something! And in less than 60 more days (if she's due the last day in JUNE) we might just have a new baby! Amazing how God works when you just sit back and wait. And trust. And pray. Every morning and middle of the night when I wake up from a dead sleep and wonder why?? I pray. Please bless our birthmother and the baby she carries, Lord. Even though we don't know her yet, Lord. You do. Bless her and giver her strength and comfort.



I just can't help but to see that tiny little girl with Asian features who has dominated my dreams all these years....who would have imagined that the thin red thread connecting us would not be measured in thousands of miles, but in less than two-hundred instead?





Oh! And to top that off, I got some more astounding news today that was a just a delight to my soul.....but THAT is a whole 'nother post! It does involve babies, and it is so BIG and so generous and so astounding that I might not be able to share it for a while. But I'll say this. Families come together in all kinds of ways, and you never know when you'll be entertaining angels, unaware. Oh, and also that a whole new group of words for related persons not living together might need to be coined......




Praying for grace and guidance Princess....grace and guidance......(and still not able to stop praying for pink)