Friday, July 24, 2009

One Foot in Front of the Other.........

Well, things have gotten quite interesting here since my last post. On July 17th (a week ago today), I had uterine fibroids removed from my uterus. NOT. FUN. Dear Dr. Houserman did the honors. Hopefully this will help me to be pain free...something I have NOT been in quite a while.

The bad news is that in removing the fibroids (which were much more involved than previously thought) there is little left of my uterus that would make a safe place for a baby to grow. Also, the hysteroscopy revealed that the right tube was blocked with scar tissue and the left tube was all entangled in the cyst. This was very hard for me to hear. I realize that the chances of me conceiving a baby on my own are very slim on a good day, but we have the opportunity to be blessed with 2 adopted embryos, who will be biological siblings of the adopted embryo twins being carried in my dear friend Jennifer's tummy right now! I probably would never have been so brave to seek out and adopt embryos, but Jennifer is a dynamo, and so brave! The story of the adoption of the 2 "straws", each containing 2 tiny, frozen babies, is nothing short of a miracle. After being privy to the ins and outs of her story, I am certain that there is NO such thing as a coincidence. Everything is orchestrated in God's timing. And just today, we got to see pictures of Baby A and Baby B! Amazing!

Anyway, I was looking forward to having this year to get my body ready for the sibling set of Jennifer's twins to be transferred into my uterus. However, after the news last week, I doubt very much that it will be happening.....anyone have a uterus they are not using? We will most definitely have to use a gestational carrier. Do you know how complicated that will be? Not to mention expensive.......The Big Prince does not like complicated and expensive.......(someone should have warned him about me beforehand, it seems.....)

After I got over the shock of not even being able to carry someone ELSE'S babies in my uterus, I got ticked off that I now have a 4-5 inch c-section scar, with no babies (Now, apparently, NEVER) to show for it. And if I go to the follow-up appointment on Monday and learn that she really should have done a hysterectomy, I will absolutely have a come-apart. If this surgery does not stop the pain, and I have to go through it all again, I might just lose my mind!

Since all I have done for a week is lounge around and think it all through, I have decided there is only one thing left to do...............

I just have to put one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do.

I will admit, I had myself quite the LARGE pity party all this week. And you know what?

I am over it. I am absolutely tired of being downtrodden. This last year has done me in. I know that the anniversary of Brandon's death is going to hit me hard and I will be depressed and sad again.

But I am standing up, and walking.......one foot in front of the other.......I will get through this.

Some things that I am thankful for right now:
The Big Prince is a great nurse, and is so gentle and he even dried my big mane of hair after I showered cause I could not hold the hairdryer!
My parents are at the beach (and they are looking at condos!) and they sound "normal".
The Little Prince is home again after a week with the grandparents.
Jennifer got to see the babies....and they are perfect!
I have precious friends who have offered to do anything for me while I recuperate.
Maurine is once again making all of my copies for reading. (She did the whole year for me last year.)
The Little Prince's birth (half) sister has been emailing me and wants to have contact with him.
Our agency sent me an email that they had NOT been able to show our book this month due to the demographic of birthmothers who had come into the office not matching our criteria.....why is that a thing to be thankful for? Cause I know that "not right now" does not mean "not ever" and I am giddy with anticipation for the day the phone will ring.....

So, given the options of (1) lay down and die, or (2) take one more step........

I'll go with take a step Princess......just take one more step.............

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Countdown..........

Every morning, bright and early, I read through the paper while The Big Prince and The Little Prince are asleep. Lately, something that would usually make me giddy with excitement has been making me get that I.Can't.Breathe.Feeling......

It's the countdown to kickoff in the sports section. Normally, I would be getting my Alabama Crimson Tide gear out. I would be crankin' up the fight song and Sweet Home Alabama on my iPod. I would be calling my parents and my brother every.other.day to give them the, "It's fifty-eleven days till kickoff!" report.

However, all I can seem to do lately is think about the fact that one year ago, Brandon only had 60-ish days left to live. On July 27th, it will be one year to the day that my mother called me to tell me that Brandon was in the hospital and that the doctor was going to have to operate.......right away.......and I could tell by her tone that this was not like all the other times....she was scared. She was uncertain. She was worried. She had that mother's intuition that something was not right..........

So in reality, this countdown in my head, made concrete each morning by the sports page, is SHOUTING to me that there are only sixteen days left until July 27.........sixteen days.........sixteen days will make a year since my sweet brother's life as he knew it.......would come to an abrupt halt......in sixteen days it will be a year since he drove (yes, even in pain, he insisted on driving himself to the hospital), sixteen days since he had the last real conversation with my parents, or my sweet sister in law, Jada.....sixteen days makes a year that we trusted he'd come through this surgery just fine. Just as he had done all the other times.......

The reality is that Brandon did live through the surgery, but never really recovered. His fight ended on September 4, at about 3:30 am....surrounded by his wife and our parents, his great
in-laws and his friends and aunts and uncles and me......

Sixteen days will be the marker...July 27th. That will start the countdown over to September 4th. And that will be the end of the longest year of my life........and start the beginning of the next longest year.........year two without my blue eyed, gentle giant........sometimes I wonder how we will ever survive.......

they keep saying it will get better Princess.....they say it will.......

(but I'm not really sure I believe them..........not sure at all................)