Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Visit.....

Friday morning I get up and go to school. There were 17 little people there all wiggling with the EXCITEMENT.OF.CHRISTMAS.....and I was supposed to be teaching them something, but my mind was NOT on teaching anymore than their minds were on learning....It was Traditions Around the World Day and I had each of the 5 classes for a period of time. Each classroom is a different country and we teach about a tradition from that land and then rotate around.

"T" called in the middle of rotation 2 and told me it was not her gallbladder as but a severe kidney infection. IV antibiotics and a stay for the rest of the weekend at the hospital. Relief! Not only for me, but for "T" as well. I did not want her to have to have a major surgery right after being induced AND placing her baby for adoption...at Christmas. It all just seemed too much for one girl to have to bear...

On Saturday we loaded up the Little Prince, a big box of movies and a big bad of snacks and headed out to visit "T". The whole way there I kept trying to pretend that we were on a shopping trip or a vacation.....when really, the PANIC.was SETTING.IN.......

When we got there, Big and Little stayed in the car, cause Big said, "Girls don't like for anyone to see them when they've been in the hospital, especially people that they don't know!" So, I grabbed the bag of newly purchased magazines and headed out....like I knew what I was doing......and PANIC.SETS.IN.......the elevator ride was 1 floor. "Please Lord, don't let this be awkward......" I called her on the phone outside the nurses station...."Hey. I'm here. Do you mind if I come in to see you for a bit?"

Room 8, Labor and Delivery......

I walked in and hugged her. She is lovelier than in her pictures, even with a week long stay in the hospital. She keeps saying, "I cannot believe you drove all this way......" (it's about 4 hours). We had a great conversation. She was excited about the magazines....and she was going to get to go home late Saturday night or Sunday morning....oral antibiotics and rest until the baby comes. That's the protocol for now.

The chaplain comes in and introduces himself. "T" says, "This is the lady who is going to adopt the baby." Not my baby. Not my little girl. Just "the baby". In the adoption world, unattachment to the infant is good news to the ears of the adoptive parents. The chaplain turns to me and says, "Now, you teach school. What grade? Where in Alabama do you live?" Etc.....More good news. She's told him about me.

Before he leaves, he prays a lovely prayer for our girl. He asks for blessings for her two mothers. The one who will give her life and the one who will help her live a wonderful life. It was beautiful.

Big, Little and I drove home......and I for one felt a little more settled. I now have a place in my head when I think about where she will be born. It won't be new and unfamiliar when we go there again in a few short weeks. It was a good trial run.

I actually let my mother take tags off of some little pink bits of fluff. We washed the blankets and outfits. I packed the diaper bag and have it in the car. Today I got the car-seat out of storage. It will do until we get a new one. I picked out a crib online and researched bedding.....I am refusing to tell my family any names at all.....

I am cautiously excited.....and praying the the other shoe does not fall, Princess....praying that it does not fall........

Monday, December 28, 2009

Crazy Christmas

So on Thursday night, December 17, while I was bemoaning the fact that I had to go to school a full 2 days later than the rest of the free world (we got out on December 22nd at 3 pm, thank-you-very-much...)I got a text from "D", who told me that our birthmother "T" had been in the HOSPITAL since Tuesday and was very sick and would I please call her......uhhhhh, yeah........

(the reason that she had not let me know earlier is that Landon, "T's" 20 month old, had lost the cell phone with my numbers......) Just another reason that reinforces why I never let the Little Prince play with my car keys or my cell phone....

I call "T" and she sounds pitiful....and then she drops the bombshell.....they (the dr's) think it "might" be her gall bladder and if so, they will induce in a day or so and then remove her gallbladder after the baby delivers..... "T" says, "Pack a bag, your baby girl is coming soon....."

PANIC.SETS.IN.......

They are going to do an ultrasound later on that night (it was already 8 pm) and they should know by morning if they will deliver, most likely on Tuesday morning, December 22nd......as much as I want this baby out (I feel like the longer it takes the greater chance of "T" changing her mind.... 'cause remember, this is not my first rodeo...." I am in a whirl over the possibility that I will have to be away from the Little Prince on Christmas.....not that he would mind, what with all the million and five or so cousins he has to play with, along with the undivided attention he would get from Gran and Grandaddy.....but still.....

PANIC.SETS.IN.......

I start washing clothes and packing bags and PANIC.SETS.IN.......

My mother wants me to get int he car and GO! JUST GO! But I am being calm even though the PANIC.....it is SETTING.IN.......

The rest of the story coming soon.....I promise.....

Gotta go clean out some more stuff...cause the Princess is nesting, I tell you.....Nesting......

Monday, December 14, 2009

Tick Tock.....and a big commitment...

Well, a lot has happened since Thanksgiving weekend! Where to begin? The Sunday after Thanksgiving I was working quite contentedly in my first grade classroom (I know. I know. It was a Sunday. It's just what I do, OK?) :-) when the phone rang with the phone number showing the area code of where "T" lives. It was her! I was so excited. We talked for an hour and 40 minutes! It was a very easy conversation. I walked and talked and cleaned and basically did not have my feet touch the ground at.all. the entire time. Later that night, she called back and we talked for another 30 minutes. We've talked several times per week since then (and she's called me most of the time)!

The last time we talked she told me that she had been so happy since we'd found each other. She is excited about the opportunities we can offer the baby. It is easy to talk to her and we get a long well. We are trading information back and forth and learning about one another and each other's families.

Today, Libby, the atorney's assistant, told me that she had talked to "T" for a good while at the end of the week and she got a "good vibe" from "T". I trust Libby implicitly, as she was in the delivery room with us when the Little Prince was born. Libby has things in the works for all of the legal mumbo-jumbo....so it looks like we are moving forward. Whooo hooo!

I am decorating for Christmas, and each time I put something out I think,"The next time I get this out of the box.....she will be here and will be almost a year old....." I cannot wait to be the mommy of two.......

I am trying hard not to hypervenalate here.....but the excitement is almost overwhelming. I am really pushing it down and just trying to get through the next 6 days of school. Some genius decided that we should go to school until 3 pm on December 22nd......Santa Claus will be sliding down the chimney when we finally get out of school. So for now, school is my day time focus and wrapping and decorating (and cleaning) is my night time focus......One step at a time, Princess....one step at a time......

Today as I put the groceries away, I noticed the expiration date on the orange juice. I almost fainted when I realized that her due date is BEFORE the OJ expires. Considering that "T" has said she does not think she'll make it that far.....It really puts it all in perspective.....which is good I guess....cause today I bought the Baby Dreft for my High Efficiency washer.....if that's not a big committment Princess- I don't know what is!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

.......Guarding my Heart..........

Well, it appears that this adoption situation might just be a GO! I know! I know! I am so excited that I think I am dreaming most of the time. My mother and my Aunt Joy have busted out the four bags of new, pink and frilly from the top of Brandon's closet. Aunt Joy even went shopping.....

I have talked to "D" (the grandmother) and "T" is due on January 31st. So, she is just about 30 weeks now. Still way too early for the baby to come. They did get her contractions stopped. She was dehydrated from being sick, so several IV fluids and shots later, she got to go home.

My Aunt Joy texted "D" the other day and then forwarded the conversation to me. Here's what was said: And I quote……..”(from "D" the grandmother) I have been working so many hours that I have not checked the email. I will tonight though. Joy, she (the Princess) is such a blessing to us. I am glad we have found her. "T" is very happy. We both are. We are happy and sad, but this little girl is going to have a mother/father who love her very much and will give her a beautiful life. I am glad we found each other. I believe it was meant to be. I can’t wait to meet her and her husband.”

Sounds good doesn't it? I was hoping to travel to meet her this week, but that may not be in the cards since Thanksgiving is such a busy time. I have emailed her pictures and our KidsLife Magazine article. We hope to meet with "D and T" soon.

I got out the baby name books, but I have not opened them yet. Mother and Aunt Joy can shop and plan all they want. My Mother seriously drove 45 minutes away to the fabric store to pick out pink ribbon for the moses basket she has at her house! Unfortunatley, this is not my "first rodeo" with someone's friend/granddaughter/girlfriend/niece who is pregnant and does not know what to do, so it is a little hard for me to get super excited. My friend Jennifer (also 30 weeks with the amazing embryo-adopted twins) calls this "guarding my heart"........She is so right.

When I think that in 70ish days (if she goes to term) that the WAIT might be over and the rest of my life can begin.....I get a little sick. Not sick that it is happening.....sick that it might NOT......

So, until then, I am letting everyone else celebrate and plan and shop.....I'm just going to keep guarding my heart Princess....I'll just keep guarding my heart....

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Undone.............

Today by a small miracle, I heard/felt my phone buzzing in my teacher bag at 3:00. No small feat, given the school that I work in has metal support studs and a metal roof. I am lucky if I can get a signal standing right outside the building....

Anyway, my Aunt Joy was on the line......"Do you still want a baby?" she says to me when I answer....."Always" was my immediate reply.

Deana (her daughter, my cousin) has a friend whose daughter is pregnant, in labor and does not want to raise the baby. She's already had one that her mother is raising....."Give me Deana's phone number!" I cut Aunt Joy off in mid sentence....

Grab a post it pad and pen and out the door to the sidewalk I go. Call Deana. Get the scoop.

"T" is not due til the end of December. The baby is a GIRL. Having contractions. 1 cm dilated, wants to make an adoption plan. Has no idea how to do so.

Give Deana all the details to relay to "T" and her mother who is raising the first-born. "T's" mom is all in on the adoption plan....Deana relays information and passes the phone number of "D" ("T's" mother and the new baby's grandmother) Grandmother "D" asks that I wait til she gets to the hospital and finds out what is what before I call. She does really want to talk to me.....

It is now 8:30 pm. Have texted Deana back and forth. She's texted grandma "D" and has not heard back. We do not know if the baby is coming or if they have stopped labor. The pregnancy calendar says that she should be about 33 weeks and that the lungs "should be" developed..... I cannot bear to call and interrupt and cannot bear to wait for the all clear to call.....

I am coming undone.....

Last night (ahemm. this morning) I only slept from 2:30 am-5:45 am. I wondered why. Now I know. Quite possibly I was in labor. :-) Damn adoptions. That's the thing.....you don't get 9 months. Sometimes you just get a heartbeat, a moment in time, a phone call away and then you are on the slippery slope to what if...........

Could this be it? Could it be? I am coming undone.......

But for now, this Princess with grit in her eyes from lack of sleep is taking the post it note pad, the pen and the phone, and is doing what any woman in waiting does.....she's going to bed.....(but not before she's charged the camera, gotten the moses basket and the few little girl clothes and blankets ready to grab at a moments notice, remembered where the infant car seat is stored, and mentally arranged her packing list, googled the city where "T" lives (one state away), all the while saying lots of prayers.....

No matter how this one turns out...........there's a baby coming......and she needs our prayers.........

Cause the story of where she'll be raised has already been written Princess.....it's already been written.....

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Being Thankful............

Lately, on Facebook, lots of people have been posting a thankful status update and are challenging everyone to do so each day until Thanksgiving.....

Made me start to think about being thankful...........

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful that they are moving forwand in life and that we can all talk about Brandon and laugh and smile and still sometimes cry. But I am thankful that they are beginning to be able to function again....

I am thankful that each and every time I think about Brandon, I see him with a smile and I can still hear his laugh......I pray that I always will be able to do so.....

I am thankful for The Big Prince and the Little Prince....and all that being a wife and mommy entails.......

I am thankful that barring a catastrophy, I will spend another Thanksgiving surrounded by my grandparents and our large and loud family....and that this year we have another little one to love. My cousin's son, Ryder Brandon O'Neal Page will spend his first Thanksgiving with us......

I am thankful that I love the school where I teach (and where the Little Prince goes to school) and that I have the best co-workers and Principal and that our commute to school is only 5 minutes.......

I am thankful that when I awake in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep (which happens more often than not) I hear a whisper in my head to pray, and I do pray for an ever increasing list of friends and family.....and I am thankful that God still works miracles and we get to see them.......

I am thankful that my sweet friend Jennifer is still healthy and happy carrying the miracle twins, nestled safe under her heart, given life through the amazing process of embryo adoption.....

I am thankful that our sweet adoption agency is working hard to find the right baby for us to love........

I am thankful that a random reporter from the Tuscaloosa News called us last week and will run a 3 part article featuring us as an adoptive couple (the other parts will be from the perspective of an adopted person and of a birthmother) and they have agreed to include our email address! The article runs tomorrow.....

I am thankful for Fall Break which begins for 10 glorious days next Friday at 3 pm.....

For this and so much more, so thankfull Princess......so thankful.......

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Second best feels kind of like the first loser............

I've been promising my mother for a while that I would call Suzanne at our agency to ask how "everything" was going. I've also been putting it off for a while....I am not sure why really, except that I was afraid that no news was...no news....

Anyway, our agency is small and when I called today I was able to talk directly to Suzanne (who answered the phone). She said that we'd been on her mind a lot lately(Good thing) And that they have shown our book a lot! (This agency does not tell you when you are being shown, only when you are matched, but I can call every other month or so to check in). She said that it was one of the best books (they only work with 10 couples at a time) the agency had and everyone who saw it just loved it. I was all excited about these praises, and then, I was like, "Wait a minute! If you are showing it and everyone loves it....why have we not been picked?" Well.......it seems that we are every one's SECOND choice. She did say that she'd had two ladies who "agonized" over the choice for a weekend each, but who ultimately picked another couple. Why? Because the other couples do not have children yet and we have the Little Prince. AUUUUGGGHHHHHHHH! No matter that he just turned NINE years old and we will be starting over....brand spanking new on everything! I told her that as much as I want a new baby, I was not trading in the first one! ha! She told me to be patient and that she was confident that our baby was coming soon. In fact, she reminded me that she and her own sister are 10 years apart. I asked her to tell these ladies that story when they come in. She promised that she would. She is always so positive and I guess I would have rather heard this news than, "No, we have not shown your book in months......" but still...........

I am trying to remain positive, but second best feels like the first loser Princess....it really does........

Monday, October 12, 2009

Entrusted......

So today I was reading a blog post by Sophie (who had just attended the Beth Moore Conference in Memphis, TN)and she was talking about how God had ENTRUSTED her with certain challenges. What a new way to look at these challenges we've been given.... Instead of "Why me?"....what about....."Wow! I am ENTRUSTED with this task...."

As a teacher, I entrust tasks that need to be handled with care to a very certain few students. I know I can trust them to get to the office and back without losing all of the mail/announcements from my box....I know exactly who I can trust to take ALL of the lunch money to the office that is in the WAY BACK of the cafeteria....I know who I can trust.....

What if God is looking at us as his little classroom helpers in this big ol' world? That just changes everything! He believed in ME enough to trust that I would leave Memphis and move to Alabama, and humble myself and give it all to Him.....when I did, he ENTRUSTED me to become The Little Prince's mommy. He knew that I was the only one with whom he could ENTRUST the care and well being of that little miracle.

And my sweet friend, Jennifer......God ENTRUSTED her to travel half-way around the globe, many many times over.....to become the mommy to four precious Russian blessings.....He ENTRUSTED her to adopt again domestically....a child with "special medical needs" because He ENTRUSTED that she and Pat could get the medical attention that our sweet girl needed. He is ENTRUSTING them again as Jennifer nurtures twins in her very own womb.....twins, not of her own flesh, but of a long time of prayer from her heart.

He is ENTRUSTING me with infertility, not to condem me or to give me shame or hurt, but because He knows that I will move forward and adopt a child who needs me. He trusts that I will wait until His perfect timing is evident.....

That's pretty powerful. Not everyone can be ENTRUSTED with infertility. I know. I have seen and I have heard. Some lose faith. Some decide to live childless. Some turn away.....and then, there are some who move forward.......

It sort of takes on a whole new meaning, there doesn't it, infertile friends? We are ENTRUSTED to bear this burden..... To carry this task until completion.....we are ENTRUSTED to be still and know......

And if there is one thing I know for sure.....It's that you won't ever be ENTRUSTED with something that God thinks you might not be able to handle......

Standing a little taller Princess.....standing a little taller.......

Saturday, September 26, 2009

9 Years Ago....

9 years ago at this moment, we were standing in the hospital room with "C" who was in early (6 weeks) labor with the Little Prince. Her water had broken and there was no turning back....whatever was to be would be......

We were more than just a little excited! The Big Prince had the video camera, and I held her left leg during the delivery. I was the first face the Little Prince saw. She started pushing at about 6:30 am, and at 7:43 am, The Little Prince arrived, all screaming and red and mad! He was so tiny (5 lbs 1 oz) but he was perfect! 9 and 9 on his APGAR's and he took 2 bottles in the delivery room! His lungs were perfectly developed and he did not have to have oxygen support. In fact, he never spent a minute in the NICU. "C" did an amazing job. The hospital staff told the Big Prince that he could not video the birth, but could have it ready to turn on as soon as the Little Prince emerged. Being the smart one, he just closed the lens cap and we have the audio of the whole birth! Then he just flipped the cap open and recorded the rest. Smart guy!

The Big Prince went over on the other side of the room with the Little Prince and I stayed with "C". I can tell you that we made the hospital staff really nervous. They were apparently not used to birth and adoptive parents being in the same room, and being friends. Insane.

After 4 days in the hospital, we brought the Little Prince home, weighing 4.75 pounds. The fairy tale had begun.........

He's currently up, bright and early, excited that his party is today. Playing the Wii and singing to himself (one of the sweet little things he does when he's happy). I still look at him everyday and am in awe of the miracle that is the Little Prince. 9 years ago today...........
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy. You are so loved.

Can't wait to do it all over again Princess....can't wait to do it all again....

Monday, September 21, 2009

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Today is my baby brother's 37th birthday. It also marks the second year that he's celebrated his birthday with Jesus. This time last year, he'd been gone from us a mere 17 days....it was all so new. So hurtful. So raw. So mind-blowingly empty. As you know, I spent the better part of last year not being able to breathe. I just felt like I had the biggest weight on my chest and no matter what I did, I could not get a breath. I've heard heart-attacks described in this way. I believe it. I look back and know that I was carried by God's grace, by good friends and on the wings of angles. There is no way I could have walked on my own. Nor could I have made a decision, had a thought that was rational or cohesive or smart. It's a wonder I could drive or make legally binding decisions. You know, like when you have surgery and any important decisions are not legally binding until after the anesthesia wears off....

So today, one year later, I find myself shocked that this date has rolled around again....without Brandon.

I've spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about all of the things Brandon missed out on by not being here...last year, we took the Little Prince on a (previously planned and paid for) trip to Disney World, shortly after Brandon died. I remember being in the "happiest place on earth", surrounded by fairy dust and magic, and being utterly despondent that Brandon had never gotten to go to Disney World. "He never saw the magic! He never got to experience this.......He never....." and then, right in the middle of my crying and wailing and misery late that night, in the happiest place on earth, I realized that Brandon got so much MORE.......

Look at all the things that he's doing now. Imagine the wonders he's seen and the things that are clear to him now that he's in Heaven. It was crystal clear. I did not need to be sad that Brandon was not experiencing Disney's magic......he was experiencing HEAVEN....with Jesus......I could feel him smiling and nodding his head....you've got it Seester....now you see......

I really had to stop and think about that. I'm the one who should be sad for myself that I have to wait. Brandon is not missing out....he's right in the thick of it all...no more sorrow.....no more pain....no more "what-if's"....He's got all the magic in the universe.....

He's walking in Heaven.....whole......complete......happy....and surrounded by magic.....

Happy Birthday, Boo......Happy Birthday..........

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Big Steps

The Little Prince is off at a birthday party...a swimming party...for his pal Joseph....and I am here at home. It's quite possibly a first....he's at a party by himself and it's a swimming party. I am just about paralyzed with panic....I keep telling myself that there are 3 life-guards there. The Little Prince CAN swim. He's had lessons for ages. We swim all the time. The Birthday boy's mommy is a nurse and a good friend of mine....still, it's hard to let him take these big steps. My baby is growing up.

I ordered his 9th birthday cake yesterday. The party is booked. The invitations sent out. 40 cookies for classmates also ordered for lunch at school on the Friday before his actual birthday on Saturday. Little steps leading to the big step...

9 years old.

Where did the time go?

The air here in the Deep South is changing. It is still as hot as blazes, but there is a hint of cooler weather in the air on some early mornings when I go out to get the paper. Now, granted, "cooler" here is a relative term, most often referring to the fact that at 5:30 am when some parts of the country are down right chilly, we refer to cooler as NOT having the living air sucked out of your lungs the moment you walk out of the door.....

Still, the cooless excites me. I remember this time, 9 years ago, and the anticipation I felt every morning knowing I was one day closer to my baby being born.....Big steps.....I'm getting excited again.....cause God knows when our new baby is coming.

I dreamed about her last night. We were at a wedding, and someone asked how old she was and I said, "20 months".....then I woke up....I have no idea what it means....but I do know that God knows.....Big steps.....

I had wanted her to come before The Little Prince turns 9. But since that's in two weeks, it seems unlikely. But I know she is coming.....
because......

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1"

Holding onto faith Princess.....holding onto faith....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

He Taketh Away....and then, possibly, He Gives....

I knew once I talked to my daddy on Thursday night that I had to go "home" on Friday. September 4th....one year ago....my bigger, younger brother took his very last breath.....I could hear my mother in anguish in the background, being held and comforted by my Aunt Sarah. Daddy's voice was coarse, and gruff, and I knew he'd been crying too....

So on Friday, I went. The Big Prince took The Little Prince to school and I drove. It's not a hard drive at all. Just two hours. It is incredibly hard to do when you can't see through your tears.

My parents were glad to see me. It helped I think. Just to be there. Lots of people called. Many tears were shed....all over again. Jada went to work for a while(I was glad she was busy and not sitting at home). Around 3:00 we (Jada and her Mother, me and my parents) went to the cemetery. Jada had a beautiful arrangement. We cried some more. I could tell people had been to visit Brandon's grave because there were other things left at his monument that had not been there when I went alone on Friday morning. It was hard. I am not sure it will ever get easier. I stayed all day and drove back home very late Friday afternoon.

Right before I left, Ms. Linda called with an update on the twins due in December. It seems that there may be some discussion in favor of adoption. The birthfather and his parents are going to have a discussion with the birthmother and her grandmother and are going to share my letter with them. I just wish Ms. Linda was friends with the birthmother's family, instead of the birthfather's family. It sure gave me a lot to ponder on the drive back. And it was nice to share this possible news with my parents.

I was exhausted and went to bed almost as soon as I got home. I think I had been dreading the 4th for so long that it had taken over my mind. Someone at school today asked me how it went.... "Somewhat better than horrible and slightly less than miserable" was my answer. And if you can wrap your head around that, you'll know just how my weekend went.......

Saturday, August 29, 2009

You Never Know.....

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"......

wow. That's pretty profound.

This weekend, one year ago, my sweet friend Jennifer and her family decided not to visit with us on their way from St. Louis to a sporting event (that I believe was in Florida). Instead, I went to Tupelo, MS to see my brother in the hospital. He had been so bad, but that weekend he was sooooo much better! He even spoke to me around the trach, something he had not been able to do since the initial surgery on July 27. What did he say?

"Roll Tide, Seester!" He was watching the Alabama game on TV. He asked that they not give him his pain meds so he could be more alert for the game. The nurses moved his bed so he faced the TV head-on for better viewing. His sweet wife, Jada, got to stay in the room with him for the entire game. That's a big deal when you are in the Critical Care Unit and the visits are limited to 20 minutes a few times per day. Jada, the Auburn grad, wore an Alabama shirt for the occasion. Brandon grinned from ear to ear.

I remember every detail. It was a great weekend. I had sent my parents home to rest and Jada and I held down the fort. We got to talk to Brandon. He was communicating so well. His strength was back. He was flirting and getting smooches from me and Jada. Our doctor said we might get to move into a room by "this time next week". It was a great weekend. And I am glad that I got to be there, thanks to my friends sensing the need for me to not be the hostess, but for me to go to the hospital instead. Yes, it was a great weekend and I'll cherish it forever........

because it was Brandon's last............."this time next week" never came....

He never saw another football game.........He never had another Saturday.......He never called me "seester" again......because, Thursday, September 4th was his last day on this earth..............

and now September 4th is coming right at me again......full force......

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, Princess......you never know.....

and I for one, am over being strong............

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Jucod

So I am now back at school with my 17 new little bits. Whew. I forget how little and tattle-tale-y and just how-not-with-it they are when they arrive in room 221 each August. Cause when they leave in May, they are not at all like the above-mentioned children. No! They are book readin', journal writin' little rock stars, that's what they are. Oh, and last year's class, the dream class, the ones who asked on the first day of school (after 20 minutes of journal writing) if they could write SOME.MORE??? and they did.....for 40 more minutes.....

Nope. The new batch is NOT like that last class. Most years (last year being the exception) I don't LOVE them until about Halloween. This time it's not about the LOVE. I am trying to get to the LIKE part....those teachers out there understand from where I speak......

So anyhooooo....I have this shiny faced, be-speckled, tall boy named Jacob. I secretly call him Jucod cause that's how he writes his name. A "u" instead of an "a" and a "d" instead of a "b"....see what I mean, "Jucod". Jucod is in love with life. He dances. He talks...ALL.THE.TIME....if he has a thought, the rest of us know it.....he makes up the most elaborate stories when he thinks he is reading the words to the story, Sam Come Back. He does not know a shape from a word, from a color....letter sounds? Forget about it! Numbers? What are those? Despite all of this, Jucod is pretty entertaining. He loves life. He has a good time. He loves him some lunch. He loves to talk to me about his daddy and the drums while he's got a big ol mouthful. He wants to go to the library about 39 out of every 60 minutes, despite the fact that we have a couple of thousand books in our classroom library.

He absolutely does not "know" squat-ola. But you know what? He does not know that he does not know. The probability that special services are in his immediate future are high. I am not sure another year of Kindergarten would "fix" Jucod's issues.

He's just happy to be here. And be here he will. Our kindergartens are overcrowded and there will not be a new teacher hired. So we're stuck. Jucod and I. There will be no going back for him. No relief for me from the constant barrage of verbal onslaught that is Jucod.

He won't be in a reading group. Nope. He'll be in a very small group of one. Jucod. And me. That's all. Cause he and I will have to make our own way with this. So, while the others are sounding out words and reading and taking AR tests, Jucod will busy himself with learning Kindergarten skills in a first grade class.

We are not so different, Jucod and I....."kindergarten people" stuck in a first grade world. Maybe he will learn a little from me, and perhaps, I can learn a little from him.....

after all, someone that happy with life all the time can't be all that wrong Princess....they can't be all that wrong.....

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Domestic Diva.....

Those of you who know me, know that I do NOT cook. However, today, I actually planned my weekly menu. I sat down with a cookbook and made notes. I shopped. I bought actual ingredients for meals. Several of them. I know. I know. Something must be wrong. I do not like to cook. I am not great at it. What's the deal? I have a new class of students to get into shape. I go to work early. I stay late. I work on weekends, too. I don't have TIME to do all of the cooking and all of the domestic diva-ness.

Nevertheless, I have purchased all manner of meats and produce. I'll let you know how this goes.

I really think I am motivated by being absolutely.tired.of.everything.we.eat.already. I am also too tired when we come home to put on lipstick and go back out to eat. It cuts into my recliner time. And since this surgery, I am all about the recliner time. Especially after being with children all day long.

So, I'll let you know how my channeling of Paula Deen goes.......but it will have to wait until Monday..........

'Cause the Big promised the Little that we'd go to Picadilly tomorrow right after Church....his Pop Pop would have been so proud......and after all, who am I to mess with tradition?

So for now, I'll just stick it all in the "rotter" as Brandon would say.....

'Cause nothing ever gets any more crisp in the crisper, Princess....it never does.......

A Distant Possibility.....

This week has been interesting......



I started school on Tuesday with a full class of 17 students. They are sweet and we are learning all about one another. I see my "last year's class" going down the hall to second grade. It makes me sad. It makes them sad, too. I love how they linger at the doorway as they walk down the hall to catch a glimpse into our room. The extreme classroom makeover they helped me do in May is working out wonderfully. I also miss Cassie, the wonderful student teacher I had from day one last year. She is with her own class of kindergarteners now. They are so lucky! I will have a new intern next Friday. She is going to be so excited! She was in my UofA class last fall. I really liked her as a student, so I know she is going to do a great job in my room. I want to email her, but I can't until the 19th. It's funny that I know and she is dying to know (they always are). I'd love to tell her, but we'd both get in trouble and that would be the end of interns for me.



Suzanne at the adoption agency also called on Wednesday. She has a birthmother who is due in November and wanted to share a little about her with me. By the time she finished talking, I was wishing I hadn't heard all that I had heard. Some things, you just can't "unhear". She does not know the sex of the baby, but is going to find out. I could not decide what to do. I wanted to want this situation so badly, but I could not muster the energy. I could not decide if it was residual funk from my surgery, the fact that school had started and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, or what. Truthfully, I was about as excited as if someone told me we were having seafood for dinner. yuck. Suzanne said to "think about it" and let her know by Friday.



So, I called my dear friend, Jennifer, who has walked every path in the road to adoption. We talked for a long time and she helped me see that this was NOT the perfect situation for me. That I don't have to "settle" for a situation that is not perfect for our family, just so the WAIT can be over. I knew that. I just needed to hear it from someone else. I still thought and prayed about it, but on Friday, I called and told Suzanne that we would pass on this situation. They were fine. They were gracious. They did not judge. I was relieved. And just to pour salt in my wounds, I asked about the baby that was born in July, the one where "S" picked the other couple instead of us, and just as I knew it would be, she said, "It was a girl.........." sigh..........



But then, my across the cove neighbor, Miss Linda, told me about a situation where a church member of hers and his girlfriend are expecting twin GIRLS in December, and they don't know what they are going to do. They are both young and just starting college. Miss Linda told the boy's father about us, and she delivered a letter and our KidsLife Magazine article to the family.



Now THIS is exciting! It may not go anywhere......but then again......you never know......



And I have a little more pep in my step and a dream in my heart......all because of a distant possibility Princess.......all because of a distant possibility...........

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4,5

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Random Thoughts and Things.....

We are required to fill out forms at school, telling the new room parents all about ourselves....so the other night, while the rest of the world was asleep, this is what I wrote......



Random thoughts and things you should know about your teacher…….

I want you to know that I will love your children and protect them each day they are at school as if they are my own. Through fieldtrips, fire drills (or the real thing), tornado warnings, bomb threats or whatever the world may throw at us….I will be there, holding on to them as if they were of my own heart…….because in my mind, they are. For the first 7 years of my marriage, “my school children” were the only children in my life …. until we were blessed with the birth and adoption of our son. We are planning to adopt again, sooner rather than later. I think about school stuff all the time, “How can I do this better? What would make this more fun for the children? What new trick can I use to teach this lesson?” I really, really enjoy what I do. Most days, I think…”I get paid to do this!” I have never taught a child who was not in kindergarten or first grade (and barring a catastrophe, I never will!). I believe that play is a child’s work. Commercials make me cry. I spend at least 1 afternoon of most weekends at school for several hours, just to make The Bear Class run more smoothly! I love CSI, Grey’s Anatomy and In Plain Sight. I used to love Jon and Kate Plus Eight, but now I am over them. I discovered Disney World for the first time when our son was 5. It was as magical for me as it was for him. I secretly think I should have been a forensic detective! I love to read. I love to collect perfect children’s books to go with all of my lessons. I love to write. My secret desire is have a children’s book published. I love to do Creative Memories Scrapbooking (I only use CM products….my hubby calls me a scrapbook snob!) I love lots of different music. I love to sing with the children. I love to go to the beach and do nothing except play in the waves and the sand with our son and napping with my hubby. I eat NOTHING from the sea. I love teaching children how to read and add/subtract and do science experiments. I am thrilled when they get excited about their world. Junie B Jones and Ready Freddy are exactly like every little boy and girl I have ever taught. I like flowers and the outdoors and most bugs. I do not like to go camping! I am scared of spiders and suspicious of snakes. I do not like to eat meat with bones still attached. I love caterpillar bulldozers and big equipment. My comfort foods are sweet tea and chicken and dumplings. Fresh cut grass is one of my favorite scents. I believe wholeheartedly that napping is a hobby. I wish I would have invented post-it notes. I love Alabama Football. Walking across the Quad and hearing Denny Chimes ring makes my heart swell up and spill over. I believe that children should be taught to “fish” (if you show them how they can do it themselves). I miss my brother Brandon so intensely that it seems the pain is like a real thing in the room with me that won’t ever leave. I never wanted to be an only (surviving) child. I got to see firsthand that God will surround you with people who will pick you up and carry you, and who will tell you the words, when you have forgotten all that you know, due to personal tragedy (thank you precious parents and children of my 2008-09 class). Children are the reason I can get up and go on with life, even when my heart still aches…. everyday. I love Fall weather, Fall colors, Fall sights, smells and sounds. September 26th is my favorite day of the year. It’s the day I became a Mommy. I love watching birds and deer in the fields near our house. I love to take photos of the children busy at their work. HGTV is my favorite TV channel. I could spend hours in the children’s section of Barnes & Noble. Not a week goes by that I don’t buy at least one or two books. I love to watch thunderstorms but I am fearful of tornados. I am very nostalgic and keep way too much stuff! TiVo is awesome! Germs freak me out. I love Clorox wipes, Lysol Wipes, and Pine-sol! HA! I am the unofficial dentist at Rock Quarry. I am an advocate for children. I believe that being loved, fed, tucked in safe and warm and being read to every night is the undeniable RIGHT of every child and not a privilege of birth. I love room mommies. Recess should be a required subject. In The Bear Class Schedule it’s called Music and Movement, and we’ll go out almost everyday, even if I get in trouble, because I believe that strongly that children NEED.TO.PLAY….One of my favorite places in the whole world is our classroom. I love to host student teachers and teach them how to do what I do and how to love doing what I do. I also tell them that if they don’t just love it they should get out now ‘cause I don’t want them teaching my child or yours either….I’m just honest like that…..My favorite phrase for procrastination is, “straightening chairs on the Titanic!” (I straighten a lot! Ha) I am insanely loyal. I am very calm in serious situations and tend to fall apart later on when I am at home. There is purpose in everything we do in The Bear Class. I believe that each new day is a fresh start. I harbor a not-so-secret desire to go to China to adopt a little girl. I also believe that God will send me the child I am supposed to have. I love playdoh and that new crayon smell. Being called “Teacher Nerd” is a compliment. The sight of new school supplies at Wal-Mart in the summer makes me happy. I believe that if it is good enough for everyday in The Bear Class then it is good enough for “company”. I do not do “dog & pony shows” for visitors. What you see is what you get and in The Bear Class we think every day is an awesome day! Come on in! In the choice of doing what is right for a child or telling a parent what they want to hear to keep them happy, I’ll side with doing what’s right for the child every time. I believe that snow is magical and I wish we could see it more often. Art and Music are very important subjects. Vicki Nevin was my cooperating teacher a bunch of years ago when I was a student at the University of Alabama. One of the greatest privileges I have ever had was to come back to Tuscaloosa to be her teaching partner. The 1st Grade team of teachers at Rock Quarry is – hands down- the best grade level, in any school, in Tuscaloosa. I am honored to be part of this team. Blogging is a fun thing to do. I get grossed out at Go-Gurts and will go to great lengths to NOT open them myself. ..Yuck. Sometimes I teach college girls at The University, but little children are my favorite age to teach…I like Basenjis and Poodles and Labs….We will have fun everyday….I am not a huge fan of homework…….I will teach your children to love to read, read, read….I dislike handheld pencil sharpeners and don’t allow them in the classroom….same goes with mechanical pencils…. I think that as a society, we are taking away the youth and the childhood of our children by pushing too much in regards to test scores and the like. Teaching is not what I “do” it is part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with being a big fish in a small pond. I think making mud pies and fingerpainting and playing with puppets should be part of the curriculum…good manners are required from adults and children alike…… and I really believe that……. childhood should be a journey……..not a race.

Think they'll get a good picture of who I am?

Friday, July 24, 2009

One Foot in Front of the Other.........

Well, things have gotten quite interesting here since my last post. On July 17th (a week ago today), I had uterine fibroids removed from my uterus. NOT. FUN. Dear Dr. Houserman did the honors. Hopefully this will help me to be pain free...something I have NOT been in quite a while.

The bad news is that in removing the fibroids (which were much more involved than previously thought) there is little left of my uterus that would make a safe place for a baby to grow. Also, the hysteroscopy revealed that the right tube was blocked with scar tissue and the left tube was all entangled in the cyst. This was very hard for me to hear. I realize that the chances of me conceiving a baby on my own are very slim on a good day, but we have the opportunity to be blessed with 2 adopted embryos, who will be biological siblings of the adopted embryo twins being carried in my dear friend Jennifer's tummy right now! I probably would never have been so brave to seek out and adopt embryos, but Jennifer is a dynamo, and so brave! The story of the adoption of the 2 "straws", each containing 2 tiny, frozen babies, is nothing short of a miracle. After being privy to the ins and outs of her story, I am certain that there is NO such thing as a coincidence. Everything is orchestrated in God's timing. And just today, we got to see pictures of Baby A and Baby B! Amazing!

Anyway, I was looking forward to having this year to get my body ready for the sibling set of Jennifer's twins to be transferred into my uterus. However, after the news last week, I doubt very much that it will be happening.....anyone have a uterus they are not using? We will most definitely have to use a gestational carrier. Do you know how complicated that will be? Not to mention expensive.......The Big Prince does not like complicated and expensive.......(someone should have warned him about me beforehand, it seems.....)

After I got over the shock of not even being able to carry someone ELSE'S babies in my uterus, I got ticked off that I now have a 4-5 inch c-section scar, with no babies (Now, apparently, NEVER) to show for it. And if I go to the follow-up appointment on Monday and learn that she really should have done a hysterectomy, I will absolutely have a come-apart. If this surgery does not stop the pain, and I have to go through it all again, I might just lose my mind!

Since all I have done for a week is lounge around and think it all through, I have decided there is only one thing left to do...............

I just have to put one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do.

I will admit, I had myself quite the LARGE pity party all this week. And you know what?

I am over it. I am absolutely tired of being downtrodden. This last year has done me in. I know that the anniversary of Brandon's death is going to hit me hard and I will be depressed and sad again.

But I am standing up, and walking.......one foot in front of the other.......I will get through this.

Some things that I am thankful for right now:
The Big Prince is a great nurse, and is so gentle and he even dried my big mane of hair after I showered cause I could not hold the hairdryer!
My parents are at the beach (and they are looking at condos!) and they sound "normal".
The Little Prince is home again after a week with the grandparents.
Jennifer got to see the babies....and they are perfect!
I have precious friends who have offered to do anything for me while I recuperate.
Maurine is once again making all of my copies for reading. (She did the whole year for me last year.)
The Little Prince's birth (half) sister has been emailing me and wants to have contact with him.
Our agency sent me an email that they had NOT been able to show our book this month due to the demographic of birthmothers who had come into the office not matching our criteria.....why is that a thing to be thankful for? Cause I know that "not right now" does not mean "not ever" and I am giddy with anticipation for the day the phone will ring.....

So, given the options of (1) lay down and die, or (2) take one more step........

I'll go with take a step Princess......just take one more step.............

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Countdown..........

Every morning, bright and early, I read through the paper while The Big Prince and The Little Prince are asleep. Lately, something that would usually make me giddy with excitement has been making me get that I.Can't.Breathe.Feeling......

It's the countdown to kickoff in the sports section. Normally, I would be getting my Alabama Crimson Tide gear out. I would be crankin' up the fight song and Sweet Home Alabama on my iPod. I would be calling my parents and my brother every.other.day to give them the, "It's fifty-eleven days till kickoff!" report.

However, all I can seem to do lately is think about the fact that one year ago, Brandon only had 60-ish days left to live. On July 27th, it will be one year to the day that my mother called me to tell me that Brandon was in the hospital and that the doctor was going to have to operate.......right away.......and I could tell by her tone that this was not like all the other times....she was scared. She was uncertain. She was worried. She had that mother's intuition that something was not right..........

So in reality, this countdown in my head, made concrete each morning by the sports page, is SHOUTING to me that there are only sixteen days left until July 27.........sixteen days.........sixteen days will make a year since my sweet brother's life as he knew it.......would come to an abrupt halt......in sixteen days it will be a year since he drove (yes, even in pain, he insisted on driving himself to the hospital), sixteen days since he had the last real conversation with my parents, or my sweet sister in law, Jada.....sixteen days makes a year that we trusted he'd come through this surgery just fine. Just as he had done all the other times.......

The reality is that Brandon did live through the surgery, but never really recovered. His fight ended on September 4, at about 3:30 am....surrounded by his wife and our parents, his great
in-laws and his friends and aunts and uncles and me......

Sixteen days will be the marker...July 27th. That will start the countdown over to September 4th. And that will be the end of the longest year of my life........and start the beginning of the next longest year.........year two without my blue eyed, gentle giant........sometimes I wonder how we will ever survive.......

they keep saying it will get better Princess.....they say it will.......

(but I'm not really sure I believe them..........not sure at all................)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Our Shared Childhood

I have been struggling since Brandon's death, with the fact that I am now an only child.......

I have tried to put it in words but have never quite gotten it right. When Brandon died, part of me died with him. I have always heard people say that, but I did not understand what it meant. I thought, when I heard it, that it was just another way to say, "I miss him so much." But it is so much more than that. I understand that now...............

Recently, I have been reading Rhett Brother's People by Donald McCaig. And in the middle of this summer read, on page 114 in fact, was the sentence that summed it up. "When Charles died, the Hamilton's shared childhood died with him......."

That is exactly how I feel. When Brandon died, all that was our shared childhood died also. I have no one who "knows". No one who understands. No one for whom these phrases and many more make any sense.
"Boochie Tag!"
"I'll be Jenny, you be Timmy."
"Momma loves her Owen."
"Workin' on the hobby....."
"Mom loves me best!'
"I know what you're getting."
"Show me the funny..."
It makes me sadder that I can say. I hate hate hate being an only child. I don't know why anyone would choose to make their child an only child. I can tell you, it is a sad and lonely job. No child should ever have to grow up alone. It makes me even more resolved to complete our new adoption. I would hate for The Little Prince to be where I am today. I guess one could argue that if you don't know any better, you'll be alright. I disagree.

Life is meant to be shared, Princess.......it's meant to be shared.......

Thursday, June 25, 2009

They Say It Comes in Threes......

First the death of Ed McMahon......

then Farrah Faucett.........

now, in the same day, Michael Jackson.......

What a strange week indeed. Can you imagine the scene with St. Peter? And let's pray they all know our Lord and are actually at the Pearly Gates..............

News of Michael's death brought me right back to Gordon Elementary about 16 years ago. I was a kindergarten teacher in a very inner-city school. In fact, I was the first white lady many of my school children had ever seen, much less had direct contact with on a daily basis. I no longer remember the names or the faces of the two children with whom the following conversation ensued.....but it is one that's repeated in my family any time Michael Jackson is mentioned......

Child 1: "Miaah Beh-REE....tell him dat Michael Jackson wah black when he be little and now he be big an' he be white....."
Child 2: (looks at me expectantly)
Me: "Well, that's how it looks, now isn't it?"

The Little Prince comes through the bedroom just now where CNN is reporting this breaking news......he pauses, then looks at me and says, "Momma, was Michael Jackson famous?"

The Big Prince and I look at each other astounded. "Yes, baby, he was...."

What a difference a decade makes Princess....what a difference it makes......

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's All About Attitude......

Our beach trip was great! I really felt refreshed and renewed. The boys even went to play putt putt golf one day and left me for 4 glorious hours on the beach. Alone. What a gift. It has been ages since I was able to sit on the beach and not worry about anyone but myself. I stared at the clouds. I stared at the sea. I played in the sand and wondered at the marvel of the tons of shells that were present. Some big and broken. Some incredibly tiny and perfect in their efficiency. I marveled and imagined about the creatures who once lived in them. I wondered if I was the first person to ever touch that particular shell. I thought about all this and I thought about nothing at all.

When we came back to town, we had a few days and then The Little Prince went to the grandparent's house for the weekend. I am attending a teacher conference with 2 great teacher friends today and Saturday. So, while the Big One was taking the Little One to meet the grandparents, I took myself to get a mani/pedi using a gift certificate that a sweet student got me for an end of the year gift.

Picture this.......

Two chairs over, there is a granny having a pedicure. She is frail and white haired. He hair is styled and fluffed. She has on black and white gingham checked capris and a t-shirt. She shakes a slight bit as if she is developing Parkinson's. Her daughter and the manicurist are discussing how granny is not able to cut her toenails anymore. The daughter has been doing this for her mom, but decided that they can come to the nail place and have a pedicure together each month and spend a special day together. Granny is hard of hearing so everything needs to be repeated loudly so she can be part of the conversation. I am half reading a book, half listening to their conversation, half watching the travel channel on TV.......I am wondering if my own granny might enjoy a mani/pedi on occasion.....

It's time for me to move to the manicure chair.....

I take one last admiring glance at granny....

On her black T-shirt in rhinestone letters.....it said, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere"......complete with a rhinestone martini glass......

It's all about attitude Princess....it's all about attitude........

Friday, June 12, 2009

....Heartaches Are Healed by the Sea......

Wow! It has been a while since I posted, but there's been nothing much to post about. Just the "end of the year" school stuff that just.about.did.me.in......and finding the new normal that is our summer schedule. (I feel like I've had a whole year of "finding new normal" though). Anyway, this is the first summer in 2 years that I have not had to do a 2 week, 8-4 everyday intense math and science workshop...so I am doing a whole lotta nothing! (Except of course the stuff I really want to do, but that's the beauty of it all....it is stuff I want to do!)



Yesterday was a hard day for us. It was Brandon and Jada's anniversary. I think it would have been number 5. I am just empty. I cannot begin to fathom what Jada is going through. I should have been babysitting so they could go on a little trip for their special day. There should have been a little Brandon-Jada baby to babysit. There should still be my sweet brother picking out just the right sparkly thing at Lon's Jewelry for his girl. But yesterday, there was just Jada, playing with her other nephews in Huntsville, babysitting someone else's children so she does not have to be at home alone on their special day. The only sparkly thing is the massive, shiny black marble of Brandon's monument in the cemetery....just 3 miles from our childhood home, as Brandon always said..."In God's country"....



The Big Prince and The Little Prince and I are at the beach. Digging our toes in the sugar white sands of our coastline. I purposefully booked the same exact condo that we were in last year just about this time. I think I wanted to reboot. To rewind. To start over. You see, last year at this time, in this same condo, while I had my toes in the same sugar white sand....I had a horrible feeling of dread. I felt like Pig Pen from Snoopy. Big Black Cloud over my head. When I think back now, I realize that I could.not.breathe.....I think I knew. Something horrendous was going to happen. I just did not know what it would be.....because I had these things going on in my life...

The Back Story-

*BFF Carol's breast cancer had returned. Something like 5 years and a month after they radiated a tiny spot. After 5 years you should be clear! We thought she could get radiation on this new spot like before. No can do. So right before I left town to come to the sugar white sands, she learned that she would have to have a mastectomy. Then, 2 days later, while I am sitting on the beach with the wind in my hair, I get the call. Not a single mastectomy.....but a double was needed.

*BFF Shannon was supposed to have a much needed breast reduction. She was in the waiting area on the gurney with the blue cap on her head...waiting to be wheeled into surgery....and they tell her they cannot operate because she is anemic. Lots of gearing up and being let down with this procedure. Shannon actually ended up running away to the beach with me (still marked up from her surgery that did not happen.........)

*My mom let it slip that she had a bad check up and had had a breast biopsy in both breasts(without telling me) and was awaiting the results of that. (Everything turned out fine for my mom so we thought we'd dodged that bullet....little did we know that we were about to be hit by a truck......)



After I got home from the beach, I had 2 weeks of AMSTI training and then right after that Brandon went into the hospital for what we thought would be a routine surgery......and we all know how that turned out.....



Fast forward to now. Same condo. Same beach. Letting go of the ghosts from the past. In some random Garth Brooks song there is a line that Heartaches Are Healed by the Sea. I cannot remember more than that, but since I got here, that line has been running through my head, over and over. I hope it's true.



I have some really wonderful things to blog about. Some super terrific happy things. But I just can't do it right now. Let's just say that I think the reboot is working. I don't have that same feeling of dread that I did last summer. Right now, I have a feeling of anticipation....and it's a good thing. More on that later........



Maybe Garth Brooks was right Princess.......just maybe he was right........

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Well.... a lot has happened since my last post. The birthmother did not choose us. She chose the other couple instead. It was a 50/50 shot. My extended family feels like she chose the wrong couple. They feel like we were rejected. They feel like we lost. I, on the other hand, do not. (Are you amazed at that? Cause I am, just a little......) Suzanne from the agency said that "S" spent a long, long time with our album. She loved the Little Prince. Thought he would be a wonderful big brother. Thought he was so handsome. Loved the fact that both Big and Little Princes are adopted. Loved that we had taken this baby, this child, this miracle not of our flesh and had given him "the dream" that all birthmothers dream for the babies that they carry. Here it was, documented in photos and in words poured straight from my heart. She could see that we would love this baby and give it all that she was unable to provide at this time......yet, she chose the other couple. "WHY??" asks my family.............

I'll tell you why. When she looked at our album, she saw all of the things listed above and more. When she looked at the album of the other couple, she saw a love of playing the guitar (the birthfather plays the guitar), she saw an adoptive couple who have a military background (her own daddy is in the military), in short, she saw "signs"........Signs that said to her, "this is the family I get to create for may baby". They value the things I value. There is comfort in the familiar. The other couple was familiar to her, even though she was meeting them just then for the first time in the pages of their album.

Don't we all look for signs? I know I do. I thought it was a sign that this baby was 1/4 Asian and I've dreamed of a little girl from China for so long. I thought it was a sign that this baby was conceived in September, when we were losing my brother Brandon. I thought it was a sign that I have prayed for this adoption to be quick and "S" was due in June. I thought it was a sign when I read my devotion for Friday and the verse was about praying for a child.....So why then, am I OK that we are NOT getting this child?

When Suzanne called and said that "S" had picked the other couple (and told me the reasons why) I was instantly filled with peace. I was reminded of the episode of "Friends" when Rachel took the pregnancy test and Phoebe read the results and told Rachel that it was negative. Rachel tried to put on the brave face, but it was obvious to everyone that she was sad to not be pregnant. When Phoebe revealed the real result (positive) Rachel was overjoyed. When she asked Phoebe why she did that, Phoebe said, "Now you know how you really feel about being pregnant."

When I got told "Not this time." I knew in that instant how I REALLY felt about it. I was OK. Really OK. See, I was already regretting the fact that I was not going to get to take time off from work to love on this baby. If he/she came in June, I'd still have to go back to work in August. I'd only have a month at home. This sounds like a good chunk of time until you are really in it and are also "getting ready for school to start" at the same time you are trying to bond with a baby that did not grow in your body. I know that I would have started school exhausted and feeling like I got cheated from giving my undivided attention to this new little one. God knows the desires of our hearts, and that is evidenced by His plan in this situation. I did not even KNOW I felt this way, until we were told, "Not this time." It is lovely how God handles everything when I just give up control to Him. I am trying more and more to be still and do just that.

Today is Mother's Day. I am so thankful to "C", who made me a mother 8 short years ago. She did for me what medical science could not. She made me a mommy. I am thankful today for "S" who chose the other couple. Who are delighting in the fact that today holds a new meaning for them.....because their new baby is about 1 month away. I am thankful and in constant prayer for our "new" birthmother, where ever she is, who ever she is........we don't know one another yet....but we will soon......because I feel certain that our child has already been conceived and will be revealed to us in good time. I am thankful for my own mother, who spent this Mother's Day as her first without her 35 year old baby boy saying, "The Mom....Happy Mother's Day!" and to me, you know that "Mom loves me best!" (the running joke between the two of us), and for my sweet, sweet Granny, who's 78th birthday is today. And we pray that what makes her mind slip further away and confuses her more and more holds off for many more years.........I am thankful form my cousin Marc and his wife Crystal, who cautiously stand pregnant at 15 weeks, the longest she's ever carried to date, and whose every breath is careful and measured lest this baby goes to Heaven early like the others........and I am thankful for my many sweet friends, each on different legs of their journey into motherhood, and for those special bonds we share.

Proverbs 31:28-30 "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he blesses her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Striving to do the noble thing Princess.......striving to do the noble thing...........

Friday, May 1, 2009

49 Days.....

Everyone has been asking me, "How's the adoption going?" which in and of itself is still kind of shocking....(I keep waiting for Brad to put the brakes on the whole show) and I have been quick to say that "Suzanne at the agency is worrying about it for me and that until I get THE CALL, I don't really have to worry about it." I don't mean that in a flippant way, I just mean that finally, someone other than me is dealing with the who, what, when, where, why and how of it all...... And that, until Suzanne calls, I just go on about my life with the Big Prince and the Little Prince and all of the school children, and making it 18 more school days until I am out for summer and can breathe......etc......





This week, my school offered to send me to a conference in July for National Board Certified Teachers, to the tune of 1500.00 (for free). I love love love going to teacher conferences. Especially on someone else's dime. Not sure if you are aware or not, but Alabama is currently under pro-ration, which means there is no money for anything. My super assistant principal (also a NBCT) even offered to fill out a good portion of the mountainous paperwork involved in procuring the funding. All I needed to do was give it the ol' John Hancock and we'd be out the door. The only problem was, everytime I thought about going, I got a little ill. Just sort of a dread and heavy feeling coming over me. I put it off to being tired and ready for school to be out. I tried to rationalize that no one looks a gift horse in the mouth. I tried to psych myself up. Then finally I realized that if I was dreading it this much, then something was telling me NOT to go.

So I told Mr. Assistant Principal that I was a no-go on the conference. Then, just this afternoon when I was on the phone to my "Yankee Friend" http://www.jensadoptionblessings.blogspot.com/




and fellow kindergarten teacher/infertility agonizer/adoption soul mate Jennifer telling her this whole ordeal, all the while saying, "I don't know if you'll be proud of me or mad at me...." (Jennifer loves a good deal and someone forking out 1500.00 bucks for me to go to a conference is right up her ally..) Guess what happened?.......Literally right in the middle of me saying that something was telling me NOT to go and Jennifer asking me if I thought it was a sign..........





THE CALL CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






49 days after "officially waiting" Suzanne called us to say that she'd be showing our book on Monday to a girl who is due in JUNE! A pregnant-girl with great health, with a supportive family and boyfriend, a college age, non-smoking, non-drinking, non-illegal drug using gonna have a baby in JUNE pregnant-girl......





Ready for more good news.....





When we filled out our adoption profile, one of the "choices" we checked was Asian/Caucasian (everyone knows of my not so secret desire to run straight to China to get a little girl. Or two. Or more). Suzanne point-blank said, "That NEVER happens...in Alabama." Oh. OK. Guess she knows, what with this being her business and all.....





Get this.........this girl with great health, with a supportive family and boyfriend, a college age, non-smoking, non-drinking, non-illegal drug using gonna have a baby in JUNE pregnant-girl......is 1/2 Asian, 1/2 Caucasian. The birth father is Caucasian. This baby (did I mention that he/she is due in JUNE???) will be 1/4 Asian. It may not be like going to China......but it might just be the closest you can get without leaving the state of Alabama! I already have a lot of information but in the interest of privacy cannot share it here. It is all extremely encouraging.....





So, Miss S will be shown our book and the book of another couple. It's a 50/50 shot. I should know something by Monday afternoon. Oh, and the baby....the one that is due in JUNE......we're not sure yet if it's a boy or a girl.......but it is due in JUNE! (Did I mention that today is MAY 1st????) :-) 49 days ago we were "officially waiting".....on day 53, we might really know something! And in less than 60 more days (if she's due the last day in JUNE) we might just have a new baby! Amazing how God works when you just sit back and wait. And trust. And pray. Every morning and middle of the night when I wake up from a dead sleep and wonder why?? I pray. Please bless our birthmother and the baby she carries, Lord. Even though we don't know her yet, Lord. You do. Bless her and giver her strength and comfort.



I just can't help but to see that tiny little girl with Asian features who has dominated my dreams all these years....who would have imagined that the thin red thread connecting us would not be measured in thousands of miles, but in less than two-hundred instead?





Oh! And to top that off, I got some more astounding news today that was a just a delight to my soul.....but THAT is a whole 'nother post! It does involve babies, and it is so BIG and so generous and so astounding that I might not be able to share it for a while. But I'll say this. Families come together in all kinds of ways, and you never know when you'll be entertaining angels, unaware. Oh, and also that a whole new group of words for related persons not living together might need to be coined......




Praying for grace and guidance Princess....grace and guidance......(and still not able to stop praying for pink)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Babies.....that's right....two!

Now before you go and get all excited, they are not MY babies (though maybe that call will come from the agency!) but the newly conceived 9 weeks ago twins that my sweet school teacher friend Tracie and her husband announced today! We got to see a whole little album of them from their sonogram shots. I could clearly see the head, spine, arm and leg buds, tummy....times two! They are floating blissfully in their mommy's tummy right now and she is so grateful! We shared hugs, tears and laughter today at school. It really did my heart good. Tracie and her husband have tried to conceive for a long time. I have prayed for her and worried about her and today....it was all worth while! It is just so much sweeter when you know someone who has struggled and then in an instant, all of that pain can vanish with a little + on a pregnancy test!

On to our baby news.....month one of the wait.....no one has seen our book yet. They have had a few ladies come to them but the demographic was not what we had indicated in our profile. So she said not to worry. It is early yet. I am glad to be making progress. Moving forward. And having someone else do the worrying for me. My friend Janet says that someone is pregnant right now....but they just have not decided to place their baby yet. And when they do, our album will be waiting for them to see.

Today is Good Friday. We are finally on Spring Break. I am tired. I have been exhausted. I still am. But today....today was a good day. Little children hunting eggs in the warm windy day, running willy nilly all over the playground. New life (times two), so desperately wanted.....and a break from this job that I love so much, but was so weary of as of late....

The Little Prince is off to an egg hunt tomorrow with a friend and I may take the first of many naps....

Time to rest Princess......time to rest......

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Back Among the Living....

Today the Little Prince had a baseball game at the un-imaginable hour of 8:30 am on a Saturday. It was a bit chilly but a nice start to the day. The Blue Angels are in town today, flying around overhead. Quite amazing. And, because everyone was at the Blue Angles show, I could zip around town with no traffic what-so-ever!

After the game (which they won, by the way) we went to Sam's for dog food, cleaning supplies, and printer cartridges for the school printer. I tried to make it to the end of the year with the cartridge I have now....but Friday, it bit the dust. Right in the middle of printing a very important document. Why don't they make black cartridges twice as large as the colored ones....Oh.well. That will be one less thing I have to purchase in August when school starts back.

Spring Break is in 5 school days. I just might live.

After dropping Big and Little off at home, I went to a favorite, yet seldom visited, refuge...the Public Library. I need to make time to go more often. It is soothing to me to wander about the stacks, peeking and poking into lives (real and imaginary) that are not my own. Perhaps that is why I like reading other people's blogs. :-) I spent the better part of my youth in the library. I used to read the encyclopedias when I ran out of things to read at home. Shutting my eyes and randomly selecting a volume and reading the interesting bits.....cover to cover....Brandon and I were always really great at trivia....me, from the encyclopedias....it just came naturally for him...

Since today was the first Saturday of the month, I grabbed on of my lovely re-usable grocery bags (last year's New Year's resolution) purchased from Delight.com, and wandered over to the Friends Bookstore. This little niche is a bookstore for discarded books, donated books, etc...and is attached to the library. Today was Stuff a Sack Saturday!

If it is one thing I love love love....it's books! I stuffed my quite ample sack full of bits of fluff and serious reads and paid $15 for the whole I-could-barely-carry-it-because-it-was-so-full thing! I love Stuff a Sack Saturdays! I can take the books to the pool or beach and not have to worry about messing them up with sunscreen or returning them on time. I read so fast that I rarely purchase new books (unless they are for my class library). So, I go to Stuff a Sack days, fill up my gargantuan shopping bag and read til my heart is content. I spent the entire rest of the day on the sofa in the playroom and I read an entire book.....oh, and I took an incredibly long nap. I feel almost human again.

In a week or so, I'll gather up the books I've read and drop them off in the drop box at the Friends Bookstore. They will sell them all over again! The ones I just love get passed on to friends or stuffed in my ever-overflowing bookshelves. The others, back to Friends so they can resell them to other book lovers. Brillant! I love this process. It's sorta like my own personal Netflix for books.

I also turned the iphone to silent and left it in the kitchen. I checked out of the world today until about 7 pm. Nice. When I came up from the basement playroom (where I had napped and read a way the day) I caught a glimpse of Grayson's moses basket in the guest room....just waiting for our new baby......I smiled. We are going to have another baby. Sooner rather than later.....

Today also marks the 7 month anniversary of my brother's death. My parents were "normal" when I talked to them today. I know that none of us have forgotten, but they were not hysterical today and for that I am thankful. It's the burden of being an only child that I do not want for myself or my own child.....Life is too involved to have to make decisions on your own. I dread the time when I have to make decisions about my parents and Brandon is not here to back me up or help me. When I think about it, I pretend I am Scarlett and push it away to deal with on another day. I know that "another day" is coming but I pray it is far away and that I will feel like an adult when it gets here....

Daddy is actually looking online at condos on the Gulf. An on again off again dream of his......maybe it is time.....

Currently, Big is grilling hamburgers and Little is watching Bolt....and I am having a rare "big Girl" drink...and right now.....I............I can finally breathe.............for now..............

a whole lotta thankful today Princess.....a whole lotta thankful...............

Friday, March 27, 2009

Two weeks.....

We've been "officially waiting" for two weeks today. I wish I knew who has looked at our book (if anyone...) the agency said that we can call for an update each month or so (her words). She clearly does not know that that's my invitation to call EACH month on the dot to see what's going on. Ha!

I am trying to be patient.

This week has been really hard for me. We are two weeks away from spring break and I am literally about.to.break. It is not the children...it's me. I am reliving last spring and summer with a bit of panic. Grayson is playing baseball on the same exact field with the same coach and lots of the same kids. I am having flashbacks to conversations I had with my sister in law, Jada, last year at this time while Grayson was playing ball. She and my brother Brandon had just started their infertility assessments and I remember saying. "Oh Jada! I just know you are going to be pregnant by October!" Little did we know that my sweet, gentle, loving, teddy bear of a brother would have been dead a month in October. See where I'm coming from? Awful.

I have the most precious class. They are darling and sweet and love me so much. They have truly been God's gift to me this year. Amazing when you look back on it that He would speak straight to my Principal's hand as she was making class roles to give me just this division of the upcoming kindergartners. Their parents are wonderful, too. I would have had to quit if they were not so sweet.

I'm trying to get myself out of this.....this...whatever it is.......I feel like I can't breathe......

Can't stop the drownin', Princess.....can't stop the drownin'

Friday, March 13, 2009

It's official!

As of today at 12:00 noon central time, we are officially "expecting to adopt"! :-) All of our things were turned in with the agency. The exit interview was an answered prayer....relatively painless. The Big Prince and I enjoyed some couple time afterward at a favorite restaurant and now I am blogging away in the rain, waiting to pick the Little Prince up in carpool at school.

I am so at ease about this . I feel just the way I did when we were adopting Grayson and the world around me was in turmoil. My BFF Carol was sick with nerves the whole time. Not me! I was safe and secure. I feel the exact same way. This is going to be smooth. Now, I am saying all of this and we have not even been shown to a birthmother yet.....but, the agency has already completed 9 adoptions in 2009 with four more expected by the end of March. These are all newborns. Those are pretty good odds.



We left our application open to either boy or girl. Some things just need to be decided by God. (of course my mother is fervently praying over the 4 bags of pink in the top of my brother's closet.... but that's another story!) I am excited and relieved. Just think.....somewhere out there my baby is riding around in a birthmother's tummy. She's wondering what she's gonna do. Our album is there waiting and when she sees it, she will know. I wonder who this precious soul will be?



Life is good right now. New beginnings are always exciting to me.....



Brad asked on the way home if I've thought of names yet.....how's that for ready?



Better find the baby name book, Princess.....better find the book......

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Almost Officially Waiting.....

Tomorrow we are going to A Angel Adoptions, our agency, to turn in our Dear Birthmother album and have our final exit interview.....
Wow! We will then be officially waiting! Just six months ago the Big Prince finally agreed that our family was not complete and he let me have my wish - to adopt through an agency.

The adoption of the Little Prince was an independent adoption (meaning someone who knew us also knew his Birthmother and put us in contact with one another). A wonderful lawyer handled all of the specifics.

Since then, we've had so many "almost" situations. I could not go through the "almost" again. I know that with ANY adoption there is a risk, but having done the independent route and having so many other independent situations fall through....I wanted the security of an agency.

Our agency only works with a small number of couples at a time. This is a good thing for all involved! I have a list of questions a mile long and I need to finish the last little bits of fluff on the album. I can't wait! I am almost jumping out of my skin with anticipation!

Wishin' for a short wait, Princess.....wishin' for a short wait!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Spring Forward, Good Bye Flu!

The little prince has had the flu this week. He was so pitiful. He had fever on Monday and I took him home from school by 9 am. Luckily, the big prince is still on a modified work schedule due to his ankle surgery in February, so he could keep him at home. Tuesday's diagnosis...the flu! The prince missed a whole week of school, but he and his daddy got to spend a whole week bonding and loving. They are both rotten and it will be hard to get either of them off to work and school on Monday!

Today was a glorious spring day! We opened up all the windows and let the air just pour in. Good bye flu germs! I cannot believe that just a week ago we had tornadoes on Friday and snow on Saturday and Sunday! Now the temperatures are in the 70's! Tonight the time springs forward, and I am ready to move on with a new beginning. There are only 50 school days left. I love love love this little class so dearly. I hate to see them go, but I also want this year behind me. The Lord knew I needed them this year. Hardly a complaint about any of them. And I truly love each and every one. It's not always like that. I know that God gave this special class to me so I could actually get up and go to work each day and find joy again. They help heal my heart. This week was also 6 months since I lost my brother, Brandon. It has been a hard week.

One good thing is that we got the call from the adoption agency and we will be making the appointment on Monday for our exit interview and to turn in our Dear Birthmother album. It is truly a time for new beginnings.

Better look forward Princess......better look forward.........

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Snow in the Deep South!

Well, it finally happened! We got about 1 1/2 inches of snow in the Deep South! It has not snowed here in ever-so-long. The Prince, in fact, has never seen real snow before today. He's just seen a few individual flakes in the air. It was lovely, and the best thing is that the roads were warm enough that it did not stick. This is important because in the Deep South....we cannot drive in any kind of frozen stuff! We just never see it enough!

I wish it would have waited to snow on Monday so I could experience it with the classroom children as well. I may just let them use the snowy puppet and sing the snowy song during calendar math tomorrow....when else will we get the opportunity? It will be 70* by the end of the week.......

Better make a snowball to put in the freezer Princess.....better make a snowball.....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Getting Excited!

I got the word today that the paperwork is approved. Done. Accepted.

Now I can call to set up the final intake meeting with the agency and turn in the scrapbook. I cannot believe we are finally at this point!

I get all lightheaded just thinking about it. We have come so close so many other times, only to end up disappointed. I do have a good feeling about this though. Maybe it is the difference in using an agency and doing an independent adoption (which is what we did with the little prince). His was picture perfect. 9 months of waiting and boom! There he was, just as if I had carried him myself. Our other situations were not so smooth (or clearly we would have another baby already) But this time.....I can almost feel a baby in my arms right now. (Someone will have to remind me of that in 3 months when I say...."What's taking soooo long!")

I am going on a scrapbooking weekend on Friday with my bestest Mississippi girlfriend, Shannon. I cannot wait! We will stay in our pj's all weekend and work on our family albums. I will be finishing the "Dear Birthmother" album to leave with the agency. So much to do!

Everything will need to be just right for the book. It is the only glimpse into our lives that the birthmother will get. First impressions are important!

Better start scrapbooking Princess.....better start scrapbooking.....

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Delving into the world of the blog...

I have a blog for my first grade classroom, and really love using it. I have recently become increasingly interested in making one for my personal life. I am not sure who would read it (the classroom parents sort-of-have-to read the classroom blog if they want to know what's going on.....)



However, I do have a few friends who suggested that blogging would be a great way to keep everyone informed of our impending adoption. Since our awesome social worker, Lucy, has officially turned in all of our paperwork to the agency TODAY....I decided to celebrate by learning how to blog our real life.....

Oh, and I may or may not have also celebrated the completion of said paperwork by buying the most adorable pink and cocoa toile baby outfit with matching blanket and hat today while I was shopping sans hubby and the little prince. I know we told the agency "pink or blue" but I am leaning waaaaaayyyyyy toward the pink today. Plus, my mother already has 94,567 so cute little outfits (sealed in shopping bags with the tags still on) all in pink from the "almost adoption of Ava" 3 years ago. I was really OK with the pink OR blue scenario until I saw all of that sweet soft pinky goodness........and anyway, I already have absolute perfection of the blue variety.......haven't you seen the little prince? I mean, what could top beautiful skin that tans so nicely and blonde hair that whitens in the sun, paired with chocolate-pie eyes and dimples 4 miles deep......




Go ahead, see for yourself.......


Don't you think a mommy needs a little pink to balance it all out?

Better start prayin' Princess. Better start prayin'.....