.......Guarding my Heart..........

Well, it appears that this adoption situation might just be a GO! I know! I know! I am so excited that I think I am dreaming most of the time. My mother and my Aunt Joy have busted out the four bags of new, pink and frilly from the top of Brandon's closet. Aunt Joy even went shopping.....

I have talked to "D" (the grandmother) and "T" is due on January 31st. So, she is just about 30 weeks now. Still way too early for the baby to come. They did get her contractions stopped. She was dehydrated from being sick, so several IV fluids and shots later, she got to go home.

My Aunt Joy texted "D" the other day and then forwarded the conversation to me. Here's what was said: And I quote……..”(from "D" the grandmother) I have been working so many hours that I have not checked the email. I will tonight though. Joy, she (the Princess) is such a blessing to us. I am glad we have found her. "T" is very happy. We both are. We are happy and sad, but this little girl is going to have a mother/father who love her very much and will give her a beautiful life. I am glad we found each other. I believe it was meant to be. I can’t wait to meet her and her husband.”

Sounds good doesn't it? I was hoping to travel to meet her this week, but that may not be in the cards since Thanksgiving is such a busy time. I have emailed her pictures and our KidsLife Magazine article. We hope to meet with "D and T" soon.

I got out the baby name books, but I have not opened them yet. Mother and Aunt Joy can shop and plan all they want. My Mother seriously drove 45 minutes away to the fabric store to pick out pink ribbon for the moses basket she has at her house! Unfortunatley, this is not my "first rodeo" with someone's friend/granddaughter/girlfriend/niece who is pregnant and does not know what to do, so it is a little hard for me to get super excited. My friend Jennifer (also 30 weeks with the amazing embryo-adopted twins) calls this "guarding my heart"........She is so right.

When I think that in 70ish days (if she goes to term) that the WAIT might be over and the rest of my life can begin.....I get a little sick. Not sick that it is happening.....sick that it might NOT......

So, until then, I am letting everyone else celebrate and plan and shop.....I'm just going to keep guarding my heart Princess....I'll just keep guarding my heart....

Undone.............

Today by a small miracle, I heard/felt my phone buzzing in my teacher bag at 3:00. No small feat, given the school that I work in has metal support studs and a metal roof. I am lucky if I can get a signal standing right outside the building....

Anyway, my Aunt Joy was on the line......"Do you still want a baby?" she says to me when I answer....."Always" was my immediate reply.

Deana (her daughter, my cousin) has a friend whose daughter is pregnant, in labor and does not want to raise the baby. She's already had one that her mother is raising....."Give me Deana's phone number!" I cut Aunt Joy off in mid sentence....

Grab a post it pad and pen and out the door to the sidewalk I go. Call Deana. Get the scoop.

"T" is not due til the end of December. The baby is a GIRL. Having contractions. 1 cm dilated, wants to make an adoption plan. Has no idea how to do so.

Give Deana all the details to relay to "T" and her mother who is raising the first-born. "T's" mom is all in on the adoption plan....Deana relays information and passes the phone number of "D" ("T's" mother and the new baby's grandmother) Grandmother "D" asks that I wait til she gets to the hospital and finds out what is what before I call. She does really want to talk to me.....

It is now 8:30 pm. Have texted Deana back and forth. She's texted grandma "D" and has not heard back. We do not know if the baby is coming or if they have stopped labor. The pregnancy calendar says that she should be about 33 weeks and that the lungs "should be" developed..... I cannot bear to call and interrupt and cannot bear to wait for the all clear to call.....

I am coming undone.....

Last night (ahemm. this morning) I only slept from 2:30 am-5:45 am. I wondered why. Now I know. Quite possibly I was in labor. :-) Damn adoptions. That's the thing.....you don't get 9 months. Sometimes you just get a heartbeat, a moment in time, a phone call away and then you are on the slippery slope to what if...........

Could this be it? Could it be? I am coming undone.......

But for now, this Princess with grit in her eyes from lack of sleep is taking the post it note pad, the pen and the phone, and is doing what any woman in waiting does.....she's going to bed.....(but not before she's charged the camera, gotten the moses basket and the few little girl clothes and blankets ready to grab at a moments notice, remembered where the infant car seat is stored, and mentally arranged her packing list, googled the city where "T" lives (one state away), all the while saying lots of prayers.....

No matter how this one turns out...........there's a baby coming......and she needs our prayers.........

Cause the story of where she'll be raised has already been written Princess.....it's already been written.....

Being Thankful............

Lately, on Facebook, lots of people have been posting a thankful status update and are challenging everyone to do so each day until Thanksgiving.....

Made me start to think about being thankful...........

I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful that they are moving forwand in life and that we can all talk about Brandon and laugh and smile and still sometimes cry. But I am thankful that they are beginning to be able to function again....

I am thankful that each and every time I think about Brandon, I see him with a smile and I can still hear his laugh......I pray that I always will be able to do so.....

I am thankful for The Big Prince and the Little Prince....and all that being a wife and mommy entails.......

I am thankful that barring a catastrophy, I will spend another Thanksgiving surrounded by my grandparents and our large and loud family....and that this year we have another little one to love. My cousin's son, Ryder Brandon O'Neal Page will spend his first Thanksgiving with us......

I am thankful that I love the school where I teach (and where the Little Prince goes to school) and that I have the best co-workers and Principal and that our commute to school is only 5 minutes.......

I am thankful that when I awake in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep (which happens more often than not) I hear a whisper in my head to pray, and I do pray for an ever increasing list of friends and family.....and I am thankful that God still works miracles and we get to see them.......

I am thankful that my sweet friend Jennifer is still healthy and happy carrying the miracle twins, nestled safe under her heart, given life through the amazing process of embryo adoption.....

I am thankful that our sweet adoption agency is working hard to find the right baby for us to love........

I am thankful that a random reporter from the Tuscaloosa News called us last week and will run a 3 part article featuring us as an adoptive couple (the other parts will be from the perspective of an adopted person and of a birthmother) and they have agreed to include our email address! The article runs tomorrow.....

I am thankful for Fall Break which begins for 10 glorious days next Friday at 3 pm.....

For this and so much more, so thankfull Princess......so thankful.......