Saturday, September 26, 2009

9 Years Ago....

9 years ago at this moment, we were standing in the hospital room with "C" who was in early (6 weeks) labor with the Little Prince. Her water had broken and there was no turning back....whatever was to be would be......

We were more than just a little excited! The Big Prince had the video camera, and I held her left leg during the delivery. I was the first face the Little Prince saw. She started pushing at about 6:30 am, and at 7:43 am, The Little Prince arrived, all screaming and red and mad! He was so tiny (5 lbs 1 oz) but he was perfect! 9 and 9 on his APGAR's and he took 2 bottles in the delivery room! His lungs were perfectly developed and he did not have to have oxygen support. In fact, he never spent a minute in the NICU. "C" did an amazing job. The hospital staff told the Big Prince that he could not video the birth, but could have it ready to turn on as soon as the Little Prince emerged. Being the smart one, he just closed the lens cap and we have the audio of the whole birth! Then he just flipped the cap open and recorded the rest. Smart guy!

The Big Prince went over on the other side of the room with the Little Prince and I stayed with "C". I can tell you that we made the hospital staff really nervous. They were apparently not used to birth and adoptive parents being in the same room, and being friends. Insane.

After 4 days in the hospital, we brought the Little Prince home, weighing 4.75 pounds. The fairy tale had begun.........

He's currently up, bright and early, excited that his party is today. Playing the Wii and singing to himself (one of the sweet little things he does when he's happy). I still look at him everyday and am in awe of the miracle that is the Little Prince. 9 years ago today...........
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy. You are so loved.

Can't wait to do it all over again Princess....can't wait to do it all again....

Monday, September 21, 2009

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Today is my baby brother's 37th birthday. It also marks the second year that he's celebrated his birthday with Jesus. This time last year, he'd been gone from us a mere 17 days....it was all so new. So hurtful. So raw. So mind-blowingly empty. As you know, I spent the better part of last year not being able to breathe. I just felt like I had the biggest weight on my chest and no matter what I did, I could not get a breath. I've heard heart-attacks described in this way. I believe it. I look back and know that I was carried by God's grace, by good friends and on the wings of angles. There is no way I could have walked on my own. Nor could I have made a decision, had a thought that was rational or cohesive or smart. It's a wonder I could drive or make legally binding decisions. You know, like when you have surgery and any important decisions are not legally binding until after the anesthesia wears off....

So today, one year later, I find myself shocked that this date has rolled around again....without Brandon.

I've spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about all of the things Brandon missed out on by not being here...last year, we took the Little Prince on a (previously planned and paid for) trip to Disney World, shortly after Brandon died. I remember being in the "happiest place on earth", surrounded by fairy dust and magic, and being utterly despondent that Brandon had never gotten to go to Disney World. "He never saw the magic! He never got to experience this.......He never....." and then, right in the middle of my crying and wailing and misery late that night, in the happiest place on earth, I realized that Brandon got so much MORE.......

Look at all the things that he's doing now. Imagine the wonders he's seen and the things that are clear to him now that he's in Heaven. It was crystal clear. I did not need to be sad that Brandon was not experiencing Disney's magic......he was experiencing HEAVEN....with Jesus......I could feel him smiling and nodding his head....you've got it Seester....now you see......

I really had to stop and think about that. I'm the one who should be sad for myself that I have to wait. Brandon is not missing out....he's right in the thick of it all...no more sorrow.....no more pain....no more "what-if's"....He's got all the magic in the universe.....

He's walking in Heaven.....whole......complete......happy....and surrounded by magic.....

Happy Birthday, Boo......Happy Birthday..........

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Big Steps

The Little Prince is off at a birthday party...a swimming party...for his pal Joseph....and I am here at home. It's quite possibly a first....he's at a party by himself and it's a swimming party. I am just about paralyzed with panic....I keep telling myself that there are 3 life-guards there. The Little Prince CAN swim. He's had lessons for ages. We swim all the time. The Birthday boy's mommy is a nurse and a good friend of mine....still, it's hard to let him take these big steps. My baby is growing up.

I ordered his 9th birthday cake yesterday. The party is booked. The invitations sent out. 40 cookies for classmates also ordered for lunch at school on the Friday before his actual birthday on Saturday. Little steps leading to the big step...

9 years old.

Where did the time go?

The air here in the Deep South is changing. It is still as hot as blazes, but there is a hint of cooler weather in the air on some early mornings when I go out to get the paper. Now, granted, "cooler" here is a relative term, most often referring to the fact that at 5:30 am when some parts of the country are down right chilly, we refer to cooler as NOT having the living air sucked out of your lungs the moment you walk out of the door.....

Still, the cooless excites me. I remember this time, 9 years ago, and the anticipation I felt every morning knowing I was one day closer to my baby being born.....Big steps.....I'm getting excited again.....cause God knows when our new baby is coming.

I dreamed about her last night. We were at a wedding, and someone asked how old she was and I said, "20 months".....then I woke up....I have no idea what it means....but I do know that God knows.....Big steps.....

I had wanted her to come before The Little Prince turns 9. But since that's in two weeks, it seems unlikely. But I know she is coming.....
because......

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1"

Holding onto faith Princess.....holding onto faith....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

He Taketh Away....and then, possibly, He Gives....

I knew once I talked to my daddy on Thursday night that I had to go "home" on Friday. September 4th....one year ago....my bigger, younger brother took his very last breath.....I could hear my mother in anguish in the background, being held and comforted by my Aunt Sarah. Daddy's voice was coarse, and gruff, and I knew he'd been crying too....

So on Friday, I went. The Big Prince took The Little Prince to school and I drove. It's not a hard drive at all. Just two hours. It is incredibly hard to do when you can't see through your tears.

My parents were glad to see me. It helped I think. Just to be there. Lots of people called. Many tears were shed....all over again. Jada went to work for a while(I was glad she was busy and not sitting at home). Around 3:00 we (Jada and her Mother, me and my parents) went to the cemetery. Jada had a beautiful arrangement. We cried some more. I could tell people had been to visit Brandon's grave because there were other things left at his monument that had not been there when I went alone on Friday morning. It was hard. I am not sure it will ever get easier. I stayed all day and drove back home very late Friday afternoon.

Right before I left, Ms. Linda called with an update on the twins due in December. It seems that there may be some discussion in favor of adoption. The birthfather and his parents are going to have a discussion with the birthmother and her grandmother and are going to share my letter with them. I just wish Ms. Linda was friends with the birthmother's family, instead of the birthfather's family. It sure gave me a lot to ponder on the drive back. And it was nice to share this possible news with my parents.

I was exhausted and went to bed almost as soon as I got home. I think I had been dreading the 4th for so long that it had taken over my mind. Someone at school today asked me how it went.... "Somewhat better than horrible and slightly less than miserable" was my answer. And if you can wrap your head around that, you'll know just how my weekend went.......