Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Tuesdays @ 5:15....for the next 7 years

You know, it's interesting that for a girl who hates math I have a lot of numerical posts.....I may have to look into that.....I'm sure it means something......just wish it would tell why I cannot for the life of me balance a checkbook.....sigh....

Today, at 6:45 am....at 7 months and one day, my sweet little Princess learned to crawl...we all got to see her do it for the first time. She crawled from her dragonfly blanket across the rug, over the hardwood and onto the carpet in my bedroom...and them promptly begin pulling magazines out of the basket on the floor! She was so happy and excited. We were excited that we all got to see her. Precious.

It's interesting that whenever the little prince learned to do new things I was always more sad than happy.....oh, I was glad that he learned the new skill, but I was worried that "this might be the last "first time" I get to see him do blah blah...." I did not feel that way this morning. I was proud of my little monkey-girl, and a little sad that she's not going to be a baby for very long...but I was OK with accepting the new phase......and those of you who know, know that this girl is NOT a fan of CHANGE....no ma'am....not at all....maybe I'm growing up....

This afternoon I took the Princess to Kindermusic. The little Prince went from 6 months to 7 years, every Tuesday at 5:15 with Miss Laura. My Princess loved the Kindermusic....loved playing with the babies, loved the blue stuffed rooster with crinkly wings that came home with us to live in toyland...loved the "shakey-shake" eggs (the little Prince's favorite also). Miss Laura has moved on....there is a "new Miss Laura".....I think her name might be Miss Erin......and she has a lovely voice. She was fun and enthusiastic with the babies....but I kept thinking that "she wasn't doing it right"....The little room is the same. I remember when they painted the bears and the tractor and the Big AL on the walls....the items are still in the same places on the shelves....there are still Mommies and babies....singing and playing together. All that's missing is Miss Laura.....

I may or may not have gotten a little teary eyed on the way home....at the end of each class we sing, "Hey everybody, it's time to say Good-Bye, Hey everybody, it's time to say Good-Bye, Hey everybody, it's time to say Good-Bye....Good-Bye to Noah Good-Bye" and we sing goodbye around the room.....the tune was the same.....the inflection was different....I missed Miss Laura.......

Maybe I'll get used to the new Miss Laura.....I might even learn her name.....and it will be good that the Little Prince has his Kindermusic teacher and the Princess has hers.....making new memories and all....and maybe this mommy who waited so long to experience all of those little "firsts" all over again can learn to sing the same song in a different key.....after all, I've got 7 more years, every Tuesday at 5:15........surely I'll get the hang of it Princess.....surely I will......

Monday, August 23, 2010

12 Days.....and 7 months


It's coming at me again full force, heralded by the headline banner on the top of the sports page of the paper.....12 days til kickoff.....12 days......12 days...in 12days it will be September 4....and that means 2 years since my sweet Brandon left this earth. In some ways it feels like a million years, and in some ways it was just yesterday. I still remember in vivid detail so many things about that whole day, (well actually what I remember in vivid detail is what happened on September 3). Brandon died in the early early morning hours of September 4th....and most of the rest of that day is just a blur.....

They say that time heals all wounds. I don't really know if that is true. I do know that on most days now it is easier to breathe than it was all of last year. I know that I see dragonflies almost everyday and that they make me smile and I know it is a sign from Brandon that everything is OK. I know that I can think of him and mention him to my parents and we can laugh about something he did or said and that the conversation does not always end in tears. So, I guess some of what they say about healing is true. However, I also know that I'll see a random picture of Brandon and out of the blue my breath catches and I can FEEL him there in front of me. I want to touch the picture and FEEL his strong arms. My hands remember how his skin felt...and my heart breaks.in.two.....all over again. And when that happens, I think that they were wrong.....time does not heal the wounds......it just makes you cope a little better this year than you did the in the past....and I know that in 12 days we (my parents and I) will have the unmistakable horror of remembering it all over again.....

And today.....today my baby is 7 months old. My second miracle.....my little princess....when I look at her I know that I am blessed. I am in awe everyday when I wake up and she is here. I prayed for her for so very long...and she was SO.WORTH.THE.WAIT....I don't know what I thought she would look like before she came, but I can tell you now that when I see her....I know that she is the absolute realization of all of my hopes and dreams. This time last year, I was in mourning over the impending one year anniversary of Brandon's death. I thought life was over. Brandon on the other hand, was having a heyday in Heaven......and I am pretty sure he was watching over our sweet girl...whispering to her and telling her what a fairytale life she was about to have....

I would not know about her existance for another 3 months...but I prayed for her everyday. And I do know this....this past year with her, has made the past year without Brandon just a little more bearable......