Well.... a lot has happened since my last post. The birthmother did not choose us. She chose the other couple instead. It was a 50/50 shot. My extended family feels like she chose the wrong couple. They feel like we were rejected. They feel like we lost. I, on the other hand, do not. (Are you amazed at that? Cause I am, just a little......) Suzanne from the agency said that "S" spent a long, long time with our album. She loved the Little Prince. Thought he would be a wonderful big brother. Thought he was so handsome. Loved the fact that both Big and Little Princes are adopted. Loved that we had taken this baby, this child, this miracle not of our flesh and had given him "the dream" that all birthmothers dream for the babies that they carry. Here it was, documented in photos and in words poured straight from my heart. She could see that we would love this baby and give it all that she was unable to provide at this time......yet, she chose the other couple. "WHY??" asks my family.............
I'll tell you why. When she looked at our album, she saw all of the things listed above and more. When she looked at the album of the other couple, she saw a love of playing the guitar (the birthfather plays the guitar), she saw an adoptive couple who have a military background (her own daddy is in the military), in short, she saw "signs"........Signs that said to her, "this is the family I get to create for may baby". They value the things I value. There is comfort in the familiar. The other couple was familiar to her, even though she was meeting them just then for the first time in the pages of their album.
Don't we all look for signs? I know I do. I thought it was a sign that this baby was 1/4 Asian and I've dreamed of a little girl from China for so long. I thought it was a sign that this baby was conceived in September, when we were losing my brother Brandon. I thought it was a sign that I have prayed for this adoption to be quick and "S" was due in June. I thought it was a sign when I read my devotion for Friday and the verse was about praying for a child.....So why then, am I OK that we are NOT getting this child?
When Suzanne called and said that "S" had picked the other couple (and told me the reasons why) I was instantly filled with peace. I was reminded of the episode of "Friends" when Rachel took the pregnancy test and Phoebe read the results and told Rachel that it was negative. Rachel tried to put on the brave face, but it was obvious to everyone that she was sad to not be pregnant. When Phoebe revealed the real result (positive) Rachel was overjoyed. When she asked Phoebe why she did that, Phoebe said, "Now you know how you really feel about being pregnant."
When I got told "Not this time." I knew in that instant how I REALLY felt about it. I was OK. Really OK. See, I was already regretting the fact that I was not going to get to take time off from work to love on this baby. If he/she came in June, I'd still have to go back to work in August. I'd only have a month at home. This sounds like a good chunk of time until you are really in it and are also "getting ready for school to start" at the same time you are trying to bond with a baby that did not grow in your body. I know that I would have started school exhausted and feeling like I got cheated from giving my undivided attention to this new little one. God knows the desires of our hearts, and that is evidenced by His plan in this situation. I did not even KNOW I felt this way, until we were told, "Not this time." It is lovely how God handles everything when I just give up control to Him. I am trying more and more to be still and do just that.
Today is Mother's Day. I am so thankful to "C", who made me a mother 8 short years ago. She did for me what medical science could not. She made me a mommy. I am thankful today for "S" who chose the other couple. Who are delighting in the fact that today holds a new meaning for them.....because their new baby is about 1 month away. I am thankful and in constant prayer for our "new" birthmother, where ever she is, who ever she is........we don't know one another yet....but we will soon......because I feel certain that our child has already been conceived and will be revealed to us in good time. I am thankful for my own mother, who spent this Mother's Day as her first without her 35 year old baby boy saying, "The Mom....Happy Mother's Day!" and to me, you know that "Mom loves me best!" (the running joke between the two of us), and for my sweet, sweet Granny, who's 78th birthday is today. And we pray that what makes her mind slip further away and confuses her more and more holds off for many more years.........I am thankful form my cousin Marc and his wife Crystal, who cautiously stand pregnant at 15 weeks, the longest she's ever carried to date, and whose every breath is careful and measured lest this baby goes to Heaven early like the others........and I am thankful for my many sweet friends, each on different legs of their journey into motherhood, and for those special bonds we share.
Proverbs 31:28-30 "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he blesses her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
Striving to do the noble thing Princess.......striving to do the noble thing...........