Well, it appears that this adoption situation might just be a GO! I know! I know! I am so excited that I think I am dreaming most of the time. My mother and my Aunt Joy have busted out the four bags of new, pink and frilly from the top of Brandon's closet. Aunt Joy even went shopping.....
I have talked to "D" (the grandmother) and "T" is due on January 31st. So, she is just about 30 weeks now. Still way too early for the baby to come. They did get her contractions stopped. She was dehydrated from being sick, so several IV fluids and shots later, she got to go home.
My Aunt Joy texted "D" the other day and then forwarded the conversation to me. Here's what was said: And I quote……..”(from "D" the grandmother) I have been working so many hours that I have not checked the email. I will tonight though. Joy, she (the Princess) is such a blessing to us. I am glad we have found her. "T" is very happy. We both are. We are happy and sad, but this little girl is going to have a mother/father who love her very much and will give her a beautiful life. I am glad we found each other. I believe it was meant to be. I can’t wait to meet her and her husband.”
Sounds good doesn't it? I was hoping to travel to meet her this week, but that may not be in the cards since Thanksgiving is such a busy time. I have emailed her pictures and our KidsLife Magazine article. We hope to meet with "D and T" soon.
I got out the baby name books, but I have not opened them yet. Mother and Aunt Joy can shop and plan all they want. My Mother seriously drove 45 minutes away to the fabric store to pick out pink ribbon for the moses basket she has at her house! Unfortunatley, this is not my "first rodeo" with someone's friend/granddaughter/girlfriend/niece who is pregnant and does not know what to do, so it is a little hard for me to get super excited. My friend Jennifer (also 30 weeks with the amazing embryo-adopted twins) calls this "guarding my heart"........She is so right.
When I think that in 70ish days (if she goes to term) that the WAIT might be over and the rest of my life can begin.....I get a little sick. Not sick that it is happening.....sick that it might NOT......
So, until then, I am letting everyone else celebrate and plan and shop.....I'm just going to keep guarding my heart Princess....I'll just keep guarding my heart....
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Undone.............
Today by a small miracle, I heard/felt my phone buzzing in my teacher bag at 3:00. No small feat, given the school that I work in has metal support studs and a metal roof. I am lucky if I can get a signal standing right outside the building....
Anyway, my Aunt Joy was on the line......"Do you still want a baby?" she says to me when I answer....."Always" was my immediate reply.
Deana (her daughter, my cousin) has a friend whose daughter is pregnant, in labor and does not want to raise the baby. She's already had one that her mother is raising....."Give me Deana's phone number!" I cut Aunt Joy off in mid sentence....
Grab a post it pad and pen and out the door to the sidewalk I go. Call Deana. Get the scoop.
"T" is not due til the end of December. The baby is a GIRL. Having contractions. 1 cm dilated, wants to make an adoption plan. Has no idea how to do so.
Give Deana all the details to relay to "T" and her mother who is raising the first-born. "T's" mom is all in on the adoption plan....Deana relays information and passes the phone number of "D" ("T's" mother and the new baby's grandmother) Grandmother "D" asks that I wait til she gets to the hospital and finds out what is what before I call. She does really want to talk to me.....
It is now 8:30 pm. Have texted Deana back and forth. She's texted grandma "D" and has not heard back. We do not know if the baby is coming or if they have stopped labor. The pregnancy calendar says that she should be about 33 weeks and that the lungs "should be" developed..... I cannot bear to call and interrupt and cannot bear to wait for the all clear to call.....
I am coming undone.....
Last night (ahemm. this morning) I only slept from 2:30 am-5:45 am. I wondered why. Now I know. Quite possibly I was in labor. :-) Damn adoptions. That's the thing.....you don't get 9 months. Sometimes you just get a heartbeat, a moment in time, a phone call away and then you are on the slippery slope to what if...........
Could this be it? Could it be? I am coming undone.......
But for now, this Princess with grit in her eyes from lack of sleep is taking the post it note pad, the pen and the phone, and is doing what any woman in waiting does.....she's going to bed.....(but not before she's charged the camera, gotten the moses basket and the few little girl clothes and blankets ready to grab at a moments notice, remembered where the infant car seat is stored, and mentally arranged her packing list, googled the city where "T" lives (one state away), all the while saying lots of prayers.....
No matter how this one turns out...........there's a baby coming......and she needs our prayers.........
Cause the story of where she'll be raised has already been written Princess.....it's already been written.....
Anyway, my Aunt Joy was on the line......"Do you still want a baby?" she says to me when I answer....."Always" was my immediate reply.
Deana (her daughter, my cousin) has a friend whose daughter is pregnant, in labor and does not want to raise the baby. She's already had one that her mother is raising....."Give me Deana's phone number!" I cut Aunt Joy off in mid sentence....
Grab a post it pad and pen and out the door to the sidewalk I go. Call Deana. Get the scoop.
"T" is not due til the end of December. The baby is a GIRL. Having contractions. 1 cm dilated, wants to make an adoption plan. Has no idea how to do so.
Give Deana all the details to relay to "T" and her mother who is raising the first-born. "T's" mom is all in on the adoption plan....Deana relays information and passes the phone number of "D" ("T's" mother and the new baby's grandmother) Grandmother "D" asks that I wait til she gets to the hospital and finds out what is what before I call. She does really want to talk to me.....
It is now 8:30 pm. Have texted Deana back and forth. She's texted grandma "D" and has not heard back. We do not know if the baby is coming or if they have stopped labor. The pregnancy calendar says that she should be about 33 weeks and that the lungs "should be" developed..... I cannot bear to call and interrupt and cannot bear to wait for the all clear to call.....
I am coming undone.....
Last night (ahemm. this morning) I only slept from 2:30 am-5:45 am. I wondered why. Now I know. Quite possibly I was in labor. :-) Damn adoptions. That's the thing.....you don't get 9 months. Sometimes you just get a heartbeat, a moment in time, a phone call away and then you are on the slippery slope to what if...........
Could this be it? Could it be? I am coming undone.......
But for now, this Princess with grit in her eyes from lack of sleep is taking the post it note pad, the pen and the phone, and is doing what any woman in waiting does.....she's going to bed.....(but not before she's charged the camera, gotten the moses basket and the few little girl clothes and blankets ready to grab at a moments notice, remembered where the infant car seat is stored, and mentally arranged her packing list, googled the city where "T" lives (one state away), all the while saying lots of prayers.....
No matter how this one turns out...........there's a baby coming......and she needs our prayers.........
Cause the story of where she'll be raised has already been written Princess.....it's already been written.....
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Being Thankful............
Lately, on Facebook, lots of people have been posting a thankful status update and are challenging everyone to do so each day until Thanksgiving.....
Made me start to think about being thankful...........
I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful that they are moving forwand in life and that we can all talk about Brandon and laugh and smile and still sometimes cry. But I am thankful that they are beginning to be able to function again....
I am thankful that each and every time I think about Brandon, I see him with a smile and I can still hear his laugh......I pray that I always will be able to do so.....
I am thankful for The Big Prince and the Little Prince....and all that being a wife and mommy entails.......
I am thankful that barring a catastrophy, I will spend another Thanksgiving surrounded by my grandparents and our large and loud family....and that this year we have another little one to love. My cousin's son, Ryder Brandon O'Neal Page will spend his first Thanksgiving with us......
I am thankful that I love the school where I teach (and where the Little Prince goes to school) and that I have the best co-workers and Principal and that our commute to school is only 5 minutes.......
I am thankful that when I awake in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep (which happens more often than not) I hear a whisper in my head to pray, and I do pray for an ever increasing list of friends and family.....and I am thankful that God still works miracles and we get to see them.......
I am thankful that my sweet friend Jennifer is still healthy and happy carrying the miracle twins, nestled safe under her heart, given life through the amazing process of embryo adoption.....
I am thankful that our sweet adoption agency is working hard to find the right baby for us to love........
I am thankful that a random reporter from the Tuscaloosa News called us last week and will run a 3 part article featuring us as an adoptive couple (the other parts will be from the perspective of an adopted person and of a birthmother) and they have agreed to include our email address! The article runs tomorrow.....
I am thankful for Fall Break which begins for 10 glorious days next Friday at 3 pm.....
For this and so much more, so thankfull Princess......so thankful.......
Made me start to think about being thankful...........
I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful that they are moving forwand in life and that we can all talk about Brandon and laugh and smile and still sometimes cry. But I am thankful that they are beginning to be able to function again....
I am thankful that each and every time I think about Brandon, I see him with a smile and I can still hear his laugh......I pray that I always will be able to do so.....
I am thankful for The Big Prince and the Little Prince....and all that being a wife and mommy entails.......
I am thankful that barring a catastrophy, I will spend another Thanksgiving surrounded by my grandparents and our large and loud family....and that this year we have another little one to love. My cousin's son, Ryder Brandon O'Neal Page will spend his first Thanksgiving with us......
I am thankful that I love the school where I teach (and where the Little Prince goes to school) and that I have the best co-workers and Principal and that our commute to school is only 5 minutes.......
I am thankful that when I awake in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep (which happens more often than not) I hear a whisper in my head to pray, and I do pray for an ever increasing list of friends and family.....and I am thankful that God still works miracles and we get to see them.......
I am thankful that my sweet friend Jennifer is still healthy and happy carrying the miracle twins, nestled safe under her heart, given life through the amazing process of embryo adoption.....
I am thankful that our sweet adoption agency is working hard to find the right baby for us to love........
I am thankful that a random reporter from the Tuscaloosa News called us last week and will run a 3 part article featuring us as an adoptive couple (the other parts will be from the perspective of an adopted person and of a birthmother) and they have agreed to include our email address! The article runs tomorrow.....
I am thankful for Fall Break which begins for 10 glorious days next Friday at 3 pm.....
For this and so much more, so thankfull Princess......so thankful.......
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Second best feels kind of like the first loser............
I've been promising my mother for a while that I would call Suzanne at our agency to ask how "everything" was going. I've also been putting it off for a while....I am not sure why really, except that I was afraid that no news was...no news....
Anyway, our agency is small and when I called today I was able to talk directly to Suzanne (who answered the phone). She said that we'd been on her mind a lot lately(Good thing) And that they have shown our book a lot! (This agency does not tell you when you are being shown, only when you are matched, but I can call every other month or so to check in). She said that it was one of the best books (they only work with 10 couples at a time) the agency had and everyone who saw it just loved it. I was all excited about these praises, and then, I was like, "Wait a minute! If you are showing it and everyone loves it....why have we not been picked?" Well.......it seems that we are every one's SECOND choice. She did say that she'd had two ladies who "agonized" over the choice for a weekend each, but who ultimately picked another couple. Why? Because the other couples do not have children yet and we have the Little Prince. AUUUUGGGHHHHHHHH! No matter that he just turned NINE years old and we will be starting over....brand spanking new on everything! I told her that as much as I want a new baby, I was not trading in the first one! ha! She told me to be patient and that she was confident that our baby was coming soon. In fact, she reminded me that she and her own sister are 10 years apart. I asked her to tell these ladies that story when they come in. She promised that she would. She is always so positive and I guess I would have rather heard this news than, "No, we have not shown your book in months......" but still...........
I am trying to remain positive, but second best feels like the first loser Princess....it really does........
Anyway, our agency is small and when I called today I was able to talk directly to Suzanne (who answered the phone). She said that we'd been on her mind a lot lately(Good thing) And that they have shown our book a lot! (This agency does not tell you when you are being shown, only when you are matched, but I can call every other month or so to check in). She said that it was one of the best books (they only work with 10 couples at a time) the agency had and everyone who saw it just loved it. I was all excited about these praises, and then, I was like, "Wait a minute! If you are showing it and everyone loves it....why have we not been picked?" Well.......it seems that we are every one's SECOND choice. She did say that she'd had two ladies who "agonized" over the choice for a weekend each, but who ultimately picked another couple. Why? Because the other couples do not have children yet and we have the Little Prince. AUUUUGGGHHHHHHHH! No matter that he just turned NINE years old and we will be starting over....brand spanking new on everything! I told her that as much as I want a new baby, I was not trading in the first one! ha! She told me to be patient and that she was confident that our baby was coming soon. In fact, she reminded me that she and her own sister are 10 years apart. I asked her to tell these ladies that story when they come in. She promised that she would. She is always so positive and I guess I would have rather heard this news than, "No, we have not shown your book in months......" but still...........
I am trying to remain positive, but second best feels like the first loser Princess....it really does........
Monday, October 12, 2009
Entrusted......
So today I was reading a blog post by Sophie (who had just attended the Beth Moore Conference in Memphis, TN)and she was talking about how God had ENTRUSTED her with certain challenges. What a new way to look at these challenges we've been given.... Instead of "Why me?"....what about....."Wow! I am ENTRUSTED with this task...."
As a teacher, I entrust tasks that need to be handled with care to a very certain few students. I know I can trust them to get to the office and back without losing all of the mail/announcements from my box....I know exactly who I can trust to take ALL of the lunch money to the office that is in the WAY BACK of the cafeteria....I know who I can trust.....
What if God is looking at us as his little classroom helpers in this big ol' world? That just changes everything! He believed in ME enough to trust that I would leave Memphis and move to Alabama, and humble myself and give it all to Him.....when I did, he ENTRUSTED me to become The Little Prince's mommy. He knew that I was the only one with whom he could ENTRUST the care and well being of that little miracle.
And my sweet friend, Jennifer......God ENTRUSTED her to travel half-way around the globe, many many times over.....to become the mommy to four precious Russian blessings.....He ENTRUSTED her to adopt again domestically....a child with "special medical needs" because He ENTRUSTED that she and Pat could get the medical attention that our sweet girl needed. He is ENTRUSTING them again as Jennifer nurtures twins in her very own womb.....twins, not of her own flesh, but of a long time of prayer from her heart.
He is ENTRUSTING me with infertility, not to condem me or to give me shame or hurt, but because He knows that I will move forward and adopt a child who needs me. He trusts that I will wait until His perfect timing is evident.....
That's pretty powerful. Not everyone can be ENTRUSTED with infertility. I know. I have seen and I have heard. Some lose faith. Some decide to live childless. Some turn away.....and then, there are some who move forward.......
It sort of takes on a whole new meaning, there doesn't it, infertile friends? We are ENTRUSTED to bear this burden..... To carry this task until completion.....we are ENTRUSTED to be still and know......
And if there is one thing I know for sure.....It's that you won't ever be ENTRUSTED with something that God thinks you might not be able to handle......
Standing a little taller Princess.....standing a little taller.......
As a teacher, I entrust tasks that need to be handled with care to a very certain few students. I know I can trust them to get to the office and back without losing all of the mail/announcements from my box....I know exactly who I can trust to take ALL of the lunch money to the office that is in the WAY BACK of the cafeteria....I know who I can trust.....
What if God is looking at us as his little classroom helpers in this big ol' world? That just changes everything! He believed in ME enough to trust that I would leave Memphis and move to Alabama, and humble myself and give it all to Him.....when I did, he ENTRUSTED me to become The Little Prince's mommy. He knew that I was the only one with whom he could ENTRUST the care and well being of that little miracle.
And my sweet friend, Jennifer......God ENTRUSTED her to travel half-way around the globe, many many times over.....to become the mommy to four precious Russian blessings.....He ENTRUSTED her to adopt again domestically....a child with "special medical needs" because He ENTRUSTED that she and Pat could get the medical attention that our sweet girl needed. He is ENTRUSTING them again as Jennifer nurtures twins in her very own womb.....twins, not of her own flesh, but of a long time of prayer from her heart.
He is ENTRUSTING me with infertility, not to condem me or to give me shame or hurt, but because He knows that I will move forward and adopt a child who needs me. He trusts that I will wait until His perfect timing is evident.....
That's pretty powerful. Not everyone can be ENTRUSTED with infertility. I know. I have seen and I have heard. Some lose faith. Some decide to live childless. Some turn away.....and then, there are some who move forward.......
It sort of takes on a whole new meaning, there doesn't it, infertile friends? We are ENTRUSTED to bear this burden..... To carry this task until completion.....we are ENTRUSTED to be still and know......
And if there is one thing I know for sure.....It's that you won't ever be ENTRUSTED with something that God thinks you might not be able to handle......
Standing a little taller Princess.....standing a little taller.......
Saturday, September 26, 2009
9 Years Ago....
9 years ago at this moment, we were standing in the hospital room with "C" who was in early (6 weeks) labor with the Little Prince. Her water had broken and there was no turning back....whatever was to be would be......
We were more than just a little excited! The Big Prince had the video camera, and I held her left leg during the delivery. I was the first face the Little Prince saw. She started pushing at about 6:30 am, and at 7:43 am, The Little Prince arrived, all screaming and red and mad! He was so tiny (5 lbs 1 oz) but he was perfect! 9 and 9 on his APGAR's and he took 2 bottles in the delivery room! His lungs were perfectly developed and he did not have to have oxygen support. In fact, he never spent a minute in the NICU. "C" did an amazing job. The hospital staff told the Big Prince that he could not video the birth, but could have it ready to turn on as soon as the Little Prince emerged. Being the smart one, he just closed the lens cap and we have the audio of the whole birth! Then he just flipped the cap open and recorded the rest. Smart guy!
The Big Prince went over on the other side of the room with the Little Prince and I stayed with "C". I can tell you that we made the hospital staff really nervous. They were apparently not used to birth and adoptive parents being in the same room, and being friends. Insane.
After 4 days in the hospital, we brought the Little Prince home, weighing 4.75 pounds. The fairy tale had begun.........
He's currently up, bright and early, excited that his party is today. Playing the Wii and singing to himself (one of the sweet little things he does when he's happy). I still look at him everyday and am in awe of the miracle that is the Little Prince. 9 years ago today...........
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy. You are so loved.
Can't wait to do it all over again Princess....can't wait to do it all again....
We were more than just a little excited! The Big Prince had the video camera, and I held her left leg during the delivery. I was the first face the Little Prince saw. She started pushing at about 6:30 am, and at 7:43 am, The Little Prince arrived, all screaming and red and mad! He was so tiny (5 lbs 1 oz) but he was perfect! 9 and 9 on his APGAR's and he took 2 bottles in the delivery room! His lungs were perfectly developed and he did not have to have oxygen support. In fact, he never spent a minute in the NICU. "C" did an amazing job. The hospital staff told the Big Prince that he could not video the birth, but could have it ready to turn on as soon as the Little Prince emerged. Being the smart one, he just closed the lens cap and we have the audio of the whole birth! Then he just flipped the cap open and recorded the rest. Smart guy!
The Big Prince went over on the other side of the room with the Little Prince and I stayed with "C". I can tell you that we made the hospital staff really nervous. They were apparently not used to birth and adoptive parents being in the same room, and being friends. Insane.
After 4 days in the hospital, we brought the Little Prince home, weighing 4.75 pounds. The fairy tale had begun.........
He's currently up, bright and early, excited that his party is today. Playing the Wii and singing to himself (one of the sweet little things he does when he's happy). I still look at him everyday and am in awe of the miracle that is the Little Prince. 9 years ago today...........
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy. You are so loved.
Can't wait to do it all over again Princess....can't wait to do it all again....
Monday, September 21, 2009
Happy Birthday Brandon!
Today is my baby brother's 37th birthday. It also marks the second year that he's celebrated his birthday with Jesus. This time last year, he'd been gone from us a mere 17 days....it was all so new. So hurtful. So raw. So mind-blowingly empty. As you know, I spent the better part of last year not being able to breathe. I just felt like I had the biggest weight on my chest and no matter what I did, I could not get a breath. I've heard heart-attacks described in this way. I believe it. I look back and know that I was carried by God's grace, by good friends and on the wings of angles. There is no way I could have walked on my own. Nor could I have made a decision, had a thought that was rational or cohesive or smart. It's a wonder I could drive or make legally binding decisions. You know, like when you have surgery and any important decisions are not legally binding until after the anesthesia wears off....
So today, one year later, I find myself shocked that this date has rolled around again....without Brandon.
I've spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about all of the things Brandon missed out on by not being here...last year, we took the Little Prince on a (previously planned and paid for) trip to Disney World, shortly after Brandon died. I remember being in the "happiest place on earth", surrounded by fairy dust and magic, and being utterly despondent that Brandon had never gotten to go to Disney World. "He never saw the magic! He never got to experience this.......He never....." and then, right in the middle of my crying and wailing and misery late that night, in the happiest place on earth, I realized that Brandon got so much MORE.......
Look at all the things that he's doing now. Imagine the wonders he's seen and the things that are clear to him now that he's in Heaven. It was crystal clear. I did not need to be sad that Brandon was not experiencing Disney's magic......he was experiencing HEAVEN....with Jesus......I could feel him smiling and nodding his head....you've got it Seester....now you see......
I really had to stop and think about that. I'm the one who should be sad for myself that I have to wait. Brandon is not missing out....he's right in the thick of it all...no more sorrow.....no more pain....no more "what-if's"....He's got all the magic in the universe.....
He's walking in Heaven.....whole......complete......happy....and surrounded by magic.....
Happy Birthday, Boo......Happy Birthday..........
So today, one year later, I find myself shocked that this date has rolled around again....without Brandon.
I've spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about all of the things Brandon missed out on by not being here...last year, we took the Little Prince on a (previously planned and paid for) trip to Disney World, shortly after Brandon died. I remember being in the "happiest place on earth", surrounded by fairy dust and magic, and being utterly despondent that Brandon had never gotten to go to Disney World. "He never saw the magic! He never got to experience this.......He never....." and then, right in the middle of my crying and wailing and misery late that night, in the happiest place on earth, I realized that Brandon got so much MORE.......
Look at all the things that he's doing now. Imagine the wonders he's seen and the things that are clear to him now that he's in Heaven. It was crystal clear. I did not need to be sad that Brandon was not experiencing Disney's magic......he was experiencing HEAVEN....with Jesus......I could feel him smiling and nodding his head....you've got it Seester....now you see......
I really had to stop and think about that. I'm the one who should be sad for myself that I have to wait. Brandon is not missing out....he's right in the thick of it all...no more sorrow.....no more pain....no more "what-if's"....He's got all the magic in the universe.....
He's walking in Heaven.....whole......complete......happy....and surrounded by magic.....
Happy Birthday, Boo......Happy Birthday..........
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