Second best feels kind of like the first loser............

I've been promising my mother for a while that I would call Suzanne at our agency to ask how "everything" was going. I've also been putting it off for a while....I am not sure why really, except that I was afraid that no news was...no news....

Anyway, our agency is small and when I called today I was able to talk directly to Suzanne (who answered the phone). She said that we'd been on her mind a lot lately(Good thing) And that they have shown our book a lot! (This agency does not tell you when you are being shown, only when you are matched, but I can call every other month or so to check in). She said that it was one of the best books (they only work with 10 couples at a time) the agency had and everyone who saw it just loved it. I was all excited about these praises, and then, I was like, "Wait a minute! If you are showing it and everyone loves it....why have we not been picked?" Well.......it seems that we are every one's SECOND choice. She did say that she'd had two ladies who "agonized" over the choice for a weekend each, but who ultimately picked another couple. Why? Because the other couples do not have children yet and we have the Little Prince. AUUUUGGGHHHHHHHH! No matter that he just turned NINE years old and we will be starting over....brand spanking new on everything! I told her that as much as I want a new baby, I was not trading in the first one! ha! She told me to be patient and that she was confident that our baby was coming soon. In fact, she reminded me that she and her own sister are 10 years apart. I asked her to tell these ladies that story when they come in. She promised that she would. She is always so positive and I guess I would have rather heard this news than, "No, we have not shown your book in months......" but still...........

I am trying to remain positive, but second best feels like the first loser Princess....it really does........

Entrusted......

So today I was reading a blog post by Sophie (who had just attended the Beth Moore Conference in Memphis, TN)and she was talking about how God had ENTRUSTED her with certain challenges. What a new way to look at these challenges we've been given.... Instead of "Why me?"....what about....."Wow! I am ENTRUSTED with this task...."

As a teacher, I entrust tasks that need to be handled with care to a very certain few students. I know I can trust them to get to the office and back without losing all of the mail/announcements from my box....I know exactly who I can trust to take ALL of the lunch money to the office that is in the WAY BACK of the cafeteria....I know who I can trust.....

What if God is looking at us as his little classroom helpers in this big ol' world? That just changes everything! He believed in ME enough to trust that I would leave Memphis and move to Alabama, and humble myself and give it all to Him.....when I did, he ENTRUSTED me to become The Little Prince's mommy. He knew that I was the only one with whom he could ENTRUST the care and well being of that little miracle.

And my sweet friend, Jennifer......God ENTRUSTED her to travel half-way around the globe, many many times over.....to become the mommy to four precious Russian blessings.....He ENTRUSTED her to adopt again domestically....a child with "special medical needs" because He ENTRUSTED that she and Pat could get the medical attention that our sweet girl needed. He is ENTRUSTING them again as Jennifer nurtures twins in her very own womb.....twins, not of her own flesh, but of a long time of prayer from her heart.

He is ENTRUSTING me with infertility, not to condem me or to give me shame or hurt, but because He knows that I will move forward and adopt a child who needs me. He trusts that I will wait until His perfect timing is evident.....

That's pretty powerful. Not everyone can be ENTRUSTED with infertility. I know. I have seen and I have heard. Some lose faith. Some decide to live childless. Some turn away.....and then, there are some who move forward.......

It sort of takes on a whole new meaning, there doesn't it, infertile friends? We are ENTRUSTED to bear this burden..... To carry this task until completion.....we are ENTRUSTED to be still and know......

And if there is one thing I know for sure.....It's that you won't ever be ENTRUSTED with something that God thinks you might not be able to handle......

Standing a little taller Princess.....standing a little taller.......

9 Years Ago....

9 years ago at this moment, we were standing in the hospital room with "C" who was in early (6 weeks) labor with the Little Prince. Her water had broken and there was no turning back....whatever was to be would be......

We were more than just a little excited! The Big Prince had the video camera, and I held her left leg during the delivery. I was the first face the Little Prince saw. She started pushing at about 6:30 am, and at 7:43 am, The Little Prince arrived, all screaming and red and mad! He was so tiny (5 lbs 1 oz) but he was perfect! 9 and 9 on his APGAR's and he took 2 bottles in the delivery room! His lungs were perfectly developed and he did not have to have oxygen support. In fact, he never spent a minute in the NICU. "C" did an amazing job. The hospital staff told the Big Prince that he could not video the birth, but could have it ready to turn on as soon as the Little Prince emerged. Being the smart one, he just closed the lens cap and we have the audio of the whole birth! Then he just flipped the cap open and recorded the rest. Smart guy!

The Big Prince went over on the other side of the room with the Little Prince and I stayed with "C". I can tell you that we made the hospital staff really nervous. They were apparently not used to birth and adoptive parents being in the same room, and being friends. Insane.

After 4 days in the hospital, we brought the Little Prince home, weighing 4.75 pounds. The fairy tale had begun.........

He's currently up, bright and early, excited that his party is today. Playing the Wii and singing to himself (one of the sweet little things he does when he's happy). I still look at him everyday and am in awe of the miracle that is the Little Prince. 9 years ago today...........
Happy Birthday Sweet Boy. You are so loved.

Can't wait to do it all over again Princess....can't wait to do it all again....

Happy Birthday Brandon!

Today is my baby brother's 37th birthday. It also marks the second year that he's celebrated his birthday with Jesus. This time last year, he'd been gone from us a mere 17 days....it was all so new. So hurtful. So raw. So mind-blowingly empty. As you know, I spent the better part of last year not being able to breathe. I just felt like I had the biggest weight on my chest and no matter what I did, I could not get a breath. I've heard heart-attacks described in this way. I believe it. I look back and know that I was carried by God's grace, by good friends and on the wings of angles. There is no way I could have walked on my own. Nor could I have made a decision, had a thought that was rational or cohesive or smart. It's a wonder I could drive or make legally binding decisions. You know, like when you have surgery and any important decisions are not legally binding until after the anesthesia wears off....

So today, one year later, I find myself shocked that this date has rolled around again....without Brandon.

I've spent a lot of time wondering and worrying about all of the things Brandon missed out on by not being here...last year, we took the Little Prince on a (previously planned and paid for) trip to Disney World, shortly after Brandon died. I remember being in the "happiest place on earth", surrounded by fairy dust and magic, and being utterly despondent that Brandon had never gotten to go to Disney World. "He never saw the magic! He never got to experience this.......He never....." and then, right in the middle of my crying and wailing and misery late that night, in the happiest place on earth, I realized that Brandon got so much MORE.......

Look at all the things that he's doing now. Imagine the wonders he's seen and the things that are clear to him now that he's in Heaven. It was crystal clear. I did not need to be sad that Brandon was not experiencing Disney's magic......he was experiencing HEAVEN....with Jesus......I could feel him smiling and nodding his head....you've got it Seester....now you see......

I really had to stop and think about that. I'm the one who should be sad for myself that I have to wait. Brandon is not missing out....he's right in the thick of it all...no more sorrow.....no more pain....no more "what-if's"....He's got all the magic in the universe.....

He's walking in Heaven.....whole......complete......happy....and surrounded by magic.....

Happy Birthday, Boo......Happy Birthday..........

Big Steps

The Little Prince is off at a birthday party...a swimming party...for his pal Joseph....and I am here at home. It's quite possibly a first....he's at a party by himself and it's a swimming party. I am just about paralyzed with panic....I keep telling myself that there are 3 life-guards there. The Little Prince CAN swim. He's had lessons for ages. We swim all the time. The Birthday boy's mommy is a nurse and a good friend of mine....still, it's hard to let him take these big steps. My baby is growing up.

I ordered his 9th birthday cake yesterday. The party is booked. The invitations sent out. 40 cookies for classmates also ordered for lunch at school on the Friday before his actual birthday on Saturday. Little steps leading to the big step...

9 years old.

Where did the time go?

The air here in the Deep South is changing. It is still as hot as blazes, but there is a hint of cooler weather in the air on some early mornings when I go out to get the paper. Now, granted, "cooler" here is a relative term, most often referring to the fact that at 5:30 am when some parts of the country are down right chilly, we refer to cooler as NOT having the living air sucked out of your lungs the moment you walk out of the door.....

Still, the cooless excites me. I remember this time, 9 years ago, and the anticipation I felt every morning knowing I was one day closer to my baby being born.....Big steps.....I'm getting excited again.....cause God knows when our new baby is coming.

I dreamed about her last night. We were at a wedding, and someone asked how old she was and I said, "20 months".....then I woke up....I have no idea what it means....but I do know that God knows.....Big steps.....

I had wanted her to come before The Little Prince turns 9. But since that's in two weeks, it seems unlikely. But I know she is coming.....
because......

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1"

Holding onto faith Princess.....holding onto faith....

He Taketh Away....and then, possibly, He Gives....

I knew once I talked to my daddy on Thursday night that I had to go "home" on Friday. September 4th....one year ago....my bigger, younger brother took his very last breath.....I could hear my mother in anguish in the background, being held and comforted by my Aunt Sarah. Daddy's voice was coarse, and gruff, and I knew he'd been crying too....

So on Friday, I went. The Big Prince took The Little Prince to school and I drove. It's not a hard drive at all. Just two hours. It is incredibly hard to do when you can't see through your tears.

My parents were glad to see me. It helped I think. Just to be there. Lots of people called. Many tears were shed....all over again. Jada went to work for a while(I was glad she was busy and not sitting at home). Around 3:00 we (Jada and her Mother, me and my parents) went to the cemetery. Jada had a beautiful arrangement. We cried some more. I could tell people had been to visit Brandon's grave because there were other things left at his monument that had not been there when I went alone on Friday morning. It was hard. I am not sure it will ever get easier. I stayed all day and drove back home very late Friday afternoon.

Right before I left, Ms. Linda called with an update on the twins due in December. It seems that there may be some discussion in favor of adoption. The birthfather and his parents are going to have a discussion with the birthmother and her grandmother and are going to share my letter with them. I just wish Ms. Linda was friends with the birthmother's family, instead of the birthfather's family. It sure gave me a lot to ponder on the drive back. And it was nice to share this possible news with my parents.

I was exhausted and went to bed almost as soon as I got home. I think I had been dreading the 4th for so long that it had taken over my mind. Someone at school today asked me how it went.... "Somewhat better than horrible and slightly less than miserable" was my answer. And if you can wrap your head around that, you'll know just how my weekend went.......

You Never Know.....

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"......

wow. That's pretty profound.

This weekend, one year ago, my sweet friend Jennifer and her family decided not to visit with us on their way from St. Louis to a sporting event (that I believe was in Florida). Instead, I went to Tupelo, MS to see my brother in the hospital. He had been so bad, but that weekend he was sooooo much better! He even spoke to me around the trach, something he had not been able to do since the initial surgery on July 27. What did he say?

"Roll Tide, Seester!" He was watching the Alabama game on TV. He asked that they not give him his pain meds so he could be more alert for the game. The nurses moved his bed so he faced the TV head-on for better viewing. His sweet wife, Jada, got to stay in the room with him for the entire game. That's a big deal when you are in the Critical Care Unit and the visits are limited to 20 minutes a few times per day. Jada, the Auburn grad, wore an Alabama shirt for the occasion. Brandon grinned from ear to ear.

I remember every detail. It was a great weekend. I had sent my parents home to rest and Jada and I held down the fort. We got to talk to Brandon. He was communicating so well. His strength was back. He was flirting and getting smooches from me and Jada. Our doctor said we might get to move into a room by "this time next week". It was a great weekend. And I am glad that I got to be there, thanks to my friends sensing the need for me to not be the hostess, but for me to go to the hospital instead. Yes, it was a great weekend and I'll cherish it forever........

because it was Brandon's last............."this time next week" never came....

He never saw another football game.........He never had another Saturday.......He never called me "seester" again......because, Thursday, September 4th was his last day on this earth..............

and now September 4th is coming right at me again......full force......

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have, Princess......you never know.....

and I for one, am over being strong............