When She Sighs.........

and puts her head on my shoulder......

and snuggles in.......

eyes closed.......

pacifier pacificing......

and tangles her hands in my hair.....

I......

close my eyes.....

and the tears run down my cheeks.......

I stop. Right then.

and say "Thank you".......

to God........

for bringing her to me.

My people.......

In the past few weeks I have been reminded of how very lucky I am. One of the blessings of facebook is that I can reconnect with friends and even long lost family members. I have reunited with people that were friends of my brother, and I can instantly get updates and send messages to friends who need a word of comfort or of cheer.

I have two sorority sisters who have loved ones in grave medical situations right now and I just wish that I would have had facebook while Brandon was in the hospital. It would have helped us to share news of his condition in one easy click of the mouse.

Today, I attended the funeral of the father of our school secretary. I did not personally know the gentleman, but his daughter Anne, is the glue that holds our school together. Some co-workers and I drove two hours to the funeral together to support Anne. I remember from Brandon's funeral how important it was to me to see friends from all stages of our lives. The shock at times of seeing people I hadn't seen in ages and the realization that they came because they cared. That is important. More important than I realized before. When you have people in your life and they lose someone close to them.....it is important to show that you care, even when you might not have known their loved one personally.

As I stood graveside today in the fall air, hearing the wind rustle the leaves in the branches, I looked around at all of the school friends who were there to support Anne....and I thought, "these are my people".......

When I came home and checked facebook to see about my friends medical situations, one of our sisters had posted a message asking God to bless us all as we shared in the fights our friends were going through.....and again I thought, "these are my people"...........

The economy may be in the toilet, the government is more screwy than ever, most of us at one time or another are pointing fingers and tossing blame over one thing or another.....

But when you get right down to it......all that really matters.....is your people.....

and I for one am glad that I have people........

My Every Wish......

Yesterday was my birthday. My school children had a party for me the day before in the school cafeteria. Complete with a beautiful rendition of "Happy Birthday" and cards and gifts. It was awesome. My sweet room mom, Sarah Jane, made delicious chocolate brownies with M&M's on top and candles scattered all around. The children asked how old I was......5 was my reply......

When it was time to blow out the candles....I realized with sudden clarity....that I
had.nothing.to.wish.for...... :-)

After 12+ years of every birthday wish, every prayer, every wish upon a star, every see a shooting star and make a wish, every Thanksgiving when my Aunt Sarah would save the wishbone just for me (and tell me each year that I would get my wish, no matter what side of the wishbone I happened to be holding)....after really beliving that maybe, just maybe...wishes do come true at Disney...after all of that...after all of the miscarriages...and the agonizing years upon years of infertility....that I had nothing left to wish for....because......suddenly I realized that....I have it all.

I have awesome parents and a wonderful husband who loves me more than he should. I have the beautiful, smart and funny Little Prince, and finally, I have the gorgeous, always happy (unless she is in her carseat on a long trip) Little Princess. I live in a country where I am free to choose......whatever it is that I should want to choose.....I have a place that I can run to when I need to see the ocean....I have a job that I love in a school that rocks and that keeps me on my toes. I have lots of good friends and a handful of best ones that love me unconditionally. I have a large, loud, loving extended family. I have a nice home in a safe neighborhood...I have a fantastic church with a children's ministry that is out of this world. I have two pups that live to do nothing more than lay at my feet....I have a brother who watches over me while he's walking in Heaven....

So today.....this day after my 42 birthday.....for the rest of my life....I am choosing joy. I am choosing contentment.....I am choosing to be grateful.....and I am praying that even in contentment, that I never forget the sacrifices of those who went before so that I could be free in a country that I love....and the awesome sacrifices of the two birthmothers who chose LIFE....who chose LOVE.....who chose ME.......so that my every wish could be fulfilled..........

A dream is a wish your heart makes Princess.....it really is.......

A Decade of The Little Prince.....

Where did the time go? Ten years ago tonight I was snuggling my 5 pound, 1 ounce adopted miracle.....and I blinked and he turned 10 years old this morning at 7:43 am....a decade of boy stuff, a decade of finally hearing "Momma" and knowing that he was calling me....ten years of loving the most amazing little boy. We love you, Grayson.....more than words can say.....

A few years ago, in honor of National Adoption Month, I wrote our story and it was published in our local KidsLife Magazine. The whole story is much longer than the 500word limit allowed in the magazine, but I thought I'd post the article here on the blog....in honor of our boy, and the amazing birthmother who loved him enough to place him in my arms....and to walk away.....

How God Blessed Our Broken Road
My husband Brad and I had been married for 4 years when we made the decision that almost every
young married couple makes at some point in their marriage– we were ready to have a baby!
We never thought that we would have to “try” to have a baby. We planned the perfect month to conceive,
booked a week-long cruise just to relax and get away, and started picking out baby names. We were that sure it would happen, just as we wanted it to.Little did we know that God had other plans.

We did go on the cruise….for about 36 hours. Brad’s mother unexpectedly passed away, throwing our lives into turmoil. We made it through the days after the funeral in a blur. All thoughts of conceiving our childwere put on hold. Little did we know that there were other unexpected moments in store.

Amazingly, we were already expecting! We had conceived the very first month we had tried! We walked
around with our happy secret long enough to visit the doctor, confirm that everything was healthy and on track, and got our prospective due date. I will never forget saying over and over to myself, “March 18th,March 18th.” We were going to be parents! It never occurred to us that March 18th would never come.

And that God had other plans.

Sadly, the baby due on March 18th was not meant to be. On the hottest day of the year, I miscarried. We
were devastated. No explanation, no help from the doctors, and no help for my broken heart or my empty
womb. And so began the first step on our broken road……

God had other plans for our future. Plans that did not include this first child.

We moved back to Tuscaloosa from Memphis and began new careers. I found a new doctor that I loved!
Dr. Mike Poist was truly an angel in a white coat. He listened to every concern, he ordered tons of tests, performed exploratory surgeries, prescribed medicines, and did everything he could to help me conceive the child that Brad and I so desperately wanted.

Eventually, I realized that although I loved “Dr.Mike”, I needed something more. Those nagging
doubts that something “might” be wrong were quickly becoming a reality.

Our journey turned to the ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) in Birmingham. This very talented team of doctors became the bright, guiding lights at the end of my dark tunnel. Assessing, prescribing fertility medications, and educating us on every infinitesimal aspect of conceiving our child.

What had begun as an act of love, tuned into a science experiment! Brad learned to mix medicines and to give shots and I learned to say the word “infertility”.

It was evident fairly quickly that artificial insemination was not going to work in our case. If we were to have a child, we needed to move forward with Invitro-Fertilization. We dove right in to this high tech process. The more intricate the course of action, the more I relished it. We had now been on the quest to have a child for almost four years.

Little did we know that God had other plans.

After the first attempt at Invitro failed (the next crack in our broken road), we immediately began
planning the next round. I now can see that it had become more about the “means” than the “end”. When I first began going to ART, I had made them my saviors. They were going to save me from this infertility-hell that I was living in. I want to clarify that this was not their view at all – it was mine.

Looking to the wrong savior was the biggest crack ever in our broken road. I should have been turning to
God, but doctor’s appointments and that datebook were blocking my vision!

After our first failed attempt at Invitro, my friend Elizabeth asked if we had ever considered adoption.
I told her that we had, but did not know where to turn. She gave me the name and number of her friend Robin. Robin’s adoption story was amazing! God’s perfect timing and plan was evidenced in each word that she shared! I hung up the phone with a sense of peace. I had a sense of purpose, and the phone number of her adoption attorney in Birmingham.

My focus began to shift from obsessing with carrying a baby to yearning to care for a baby. My Mother
helped make it crystal clear! She pointed out that for the past seven years, I had spent my days with other
people’s children….loving them and caring for them as their teacher. This had merely been preparation for my purpose in life. Loving another woman’s biological child as if he was my very own. I began praying in earnest, for our yet unknown Birthmother, and the child that God wanted us to have.

The meeting with Attorney Bob Echols went well. He told us to increase our chances we should tell everyone that we wanted to adopt a child. So we wrote a letter and sent it to everyone! Brad and I wanted a newborn. I knew that our baby was out there!

My old-type A self was having a hard time letting go and letting God do His work. I would “give
it up” during my prayers. But then, I would snatch it back to “work on it” some more. This just resulted in
more cracks in my broken road.God was patient, even when I was not. Finally, truly empty and broken, I did give the whole situation up to Him.

Soon thereafter, I was looking in vain for a pin that I wanted to wear. As I frantically searched our house, I heard God’s voice very calmly inside my head, “If you let me – I will do it.”

I walked downstairs and opened a closet in Brad’s office. I stuck my hand inside a box on the top shelf and pulled out the very pin I was looking for! Again I heard the voice inside my head, “If you let me – I will do it.” I gave in and gave it up to God. I began to pray every night for our baby. Healthy and happy. No other demands.
No other bargains.

Just healthy and happy. And in God’s time.

Then one day in March, I got a call from Dr. Mike’s office. A woman who was expecting was not able to
care for the child and wanted to know if they knew anyone who wanted to adopt a baby!
This incredibly brave woman came out of nowhere and did for me what medical science could not. She
made me a Mommy. One bright shining morning in September, she created a family where none had existed before. Brad and I were in the delivery room with our son’s Birthmother. She held him after he was born and then told the nurse, “Take him to his Mommy and Daddy.”

What a gift! His birth announcement summed up our journey in one sentence,

“Through God’s grace and a Mother’s love…we’ve adopted a son”.

As always, God was right. I let Him and He did it.

God has truly blessed my broken road. Our son has always known that he was adopted. Someday he will understand that he was doubly blessed. Blessed by a Birthmother who chose life for him, and by parents
who prayed his very being into existence. As I look back on the adoption of our son, it could
not have been more perfect.
All in God’s perfect time.

He truly gives you the child He wants you to have.

On our last day in the hospital, his Birthmother held our son and kissed him for the last time. I told her to
pick a spot and kiss him there. I promised that all future kisses on the spot would be from her, too.

So she did…..and I do…..each night when I kiss him and say, “We love you!” I really mean it…..from all of us…..his Daddy, his Birthmother, and me.

Where did the time go Princess....where did it go?

Dragonflies

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of Brandon's death. I had convinced my parents that instead of standing over Brandon's grave all day (As we did lat year) that we should go to the gulf as a family and spend time at our condo. Together. Remembering...I thought....might just be easier in a place that did not actually hold so many memories of our boy...and that's just what home holds for us.

So, my parents, amazingly, headed to our place at the gulf on Thursday morning. We followed Friday right after school dismissed. We arrived just in time to see my parents for a bit and then put the Little Prince and Princess in their own beds. I went to bed shortly afterwards, remembering this time 2 years ago when we all were attempting to sleep in the extremely uncomfortable recliners of the Critical Care Waiting Area. Jada and I had decided that these chairs were designed by the devil himself....and in fact, I spent every other day that I was not at the hospital at the chiropractor, trying to undo the damage that those heinous chairs did to my back. I remembered the last conversation I had with Brandon at the late visiting hours. Jada and I promised him that we would sneak a Mountain Dew into his room first thing in the morning at the 6 am visit. That visit never came. By 6 am, Brandon had been gone from this Earth for several hours. What gives me comfort is that there was nothing in that visit that told me that it would be the last time I ever spoke to my precious brother in this life. Later, Jada would tell me that he told her that he was tired. We didn't think anything of it though, because merely being in the CCU is tiring in and of itself. I went to sleep remembering every moment of that last night together and praying that the morning did not bring any more pain to my parents. Last year, my mother was barely able to function. I hoped that the change of scenery and the new addition of our sweet Princess (whom we did not even know about last year at this time)would be enough to ease her mind.

The morning dawned bright and pure as it must always do over the sugar white sands of our gulf, and I went out with the Princess to sit on the balcony and lose myself in the sounds of the waves. Almost immediately, I was distracted by furious flashes, far too quick for me to focus on.....after many jumps and starts, I realized that I was seeing dragonflies! Thank you Brandon. I see you there. I know that you have found us here......

When my parents got up I told them about the dragonflies. But I was afraid that we'd not see them again. To my amazement, a few hours later, as my mother was loving on our girl, she called my name and pointed to the balcony. I was astonished as I saw a HUGE dragonfly laying on the balcony. I opened the door to check on it because my mother said sadly, "I think it is dead." When I opened the door and walked toward the biggest dragonfly I'd ever seen, it suddenly zipped up, flew around the balcony and was gone! Thank you Brandon! Mother sees you here!

A few hours later, the little Prince and I leave to go to the grocery. Two dragonlfies followed us to the store where we were met by many others in all different colors!

Finally, last night, we all enjoyed a good meal together. The first time we'd all gone out to eat together at a restaurant as a family since our Princess joined us in January. We had a good time, talking football and feeding our girl some of her first table food....

When we left the restaurant, I looked up at the sky and was astounded to see what looked like hundreds of DRAGONFLIES.......flying above the restaurant where we were eating....my mother and I just looked at one another and grinned......(I looked at the neighboring establishments and there was not one dragonfly to be seen).....

It looks like Brandon found us.....and I think he brought a few friends as well.....

Thankful for visible signs and knowing that it is TRUE.....that we are often entertaining angels unaware......and wondering just what we really could see....if we only opened our eyes to look........

Tuesdays @ 5:15....for the next 7 years

You know, it's interesting that for a girl who hates math I have a lot of numerical posts.....I may have to look into that.....I'm sure it means something......just wish it would tell why I cannot for the life of me balance a checkbook.....sigh....

Today, at 6:45 am....at 7 months and one day, my sweet little Princess learned to crawl...we all got to see her do it for the first time. She crawled from her dragonfly blanket across the rug, over the hardwood and onto the carpet in my bedroom...and them promptly begin pulling magazines out of the basket on the floor! She was so happy and excited. We were excited that we all got to see her. Precious.

It's interesting that whenever the little prince learned to do new things I was always more sad than happy.....oh, I was glad that he learned the new skill, but I was worried that "this might be the last "first time" I get to see him do blah blah...." I did not feel that way this morning. I was proud of my little monkey-girl, and a little sad that she's not going to be a baby for very long...but I was OK with accepting the new phase......and those of you who know, know that this girl is NOT a fan of CHANGE....no ma'am....not at all....maybe I'm growing up....

This afternoon I took the Princess to Kindermusic. The little Prince went from 6 months to 7 years, every Tuesday at 5:15 with Miss Laura. My Princess loved the Kindermusic....loved playing with the babies, loved the blue stuffed rooster with crinkly wings that came home with us to live in toyland...loved the "shakey-shake" eggs (the little Prince's favorite also). Miss Laura has moved on....there is a "new Miss Laura".....I think her name might be Miss Erin......and she has a lovely voice. She was fun and enthusiastic with the babies....but I kept thinking that "she wasn't doing it right"....The little room is the same. I remember when they painted the bears and the tractor and the Big AL on the walls....the items are still in the same places on the shelves....there are still Mommies and babies....singing and playing together. All that's missing is Miss Laura.....

I may or may not have gotten a little teary eyed on the way home....at the end of each class we sing, "Hey everybody, it's time to say Good-Bye, Hey everybody, it's time to say Good-Bye, Hey everybody, it's time to say Good-Bye....Good-Bye to Noah Good-Bye" and we sing goodbye around the room.....the tune was the same.....the inflection was different....I missed Miss Laura.......

Maybe I'll get used to the new Miss Laura.....I might even learn her name.....and it will be good that the Little Prince has his Kindermusic teacher and the Princess has hers.....making new memories and all....and maybe this mommy who waited so long to experience all of those little "firsts" all over again can learn to sing the same song in a different key.....after all, I've got 7 more years, every Tuesday at 5:15........surely I'll get the hang of it Princess.....surely I will......

12 Days.....and 7 months

It's coming at me again full force, heralded by the headline banner on the top of the sports page of the paper.....12 days til kickoff.....12 days......12 days...in 12days it will be September 4....and that means 2 years since my sweet Brandon left this earth. In some ways it feels like a million years, and in some ways it was just yesterday. I still remember in vivid detail so many things about that whole day, (well actually what I remember in vivid detail is what happened on September 3). Brandon died in the early early morning hours of September 4th....and most of the rest of that day is just a blur.....

They say that time heals all wounds. I don't really know if that is true. I do know that on most days now it is easier to breathe than it was all of last year. I know that I see dragonflies almost everyday and that they make me smile and I know it is a sign from Brandon that everything is OK. I know that I can think of him and mention him to my parents and we can laugh about something he did or said and that the conversation does not always end in tears. So, I guess some of what they say about healing is true. However, I also know that I'll see a random picture of Brandon and out of the blue my breath catches and I can FEEL him there in front of me. I want to touch the picture and FEEL his strong arms. My hands remember how his skin felt...and my heart breaks.in.two.....all over again. And when that happens, I think that they were wrong.....time does not heal the wounds......it just makes you cope a little better this year than you did the in the past....and I know that in 12 days we (my parents and I) will have the unmistakable horror of remembering it all over again.....

And today.....today my baby is 7 months old. My second miracle.....my little princess....when I look at her I know that I am blessed. I am in awe everyday when I wake up and she is here. I prayed for her for so very long...and she was SO.WORTH.THE.WAIT....I don't know what I thought she would look like before she came, but I can tell you now that when I see her....I know that she is the absolute realization of all of my hopes and dreams. This time last year, I was in mourning over the impending one year anniversary of Brandon's death. I thought life was over. Brandon on the other hand, was having a heyday in Heaven......and I am pretty sure he was watching over our sweet girl...whispering to her and telling her what a fairytale life she was about to have....

I would not know about her existance for another 3 months...but I prayed for her everyday. And I do know this....this past year with her, has made the past year without Brandon just a little more bearable......