So I am now back at school with my 17 new little bits. Whew. I forget how little and tattle-tale-y and just how-not-with-it they are when they arrive in room 221 each August. Cause when they leave in May, they are not at all like the above-mentioned children. No! They are book readin', journal writin' little rock stars, that's what they are. Oh, and last year's class, the dream class, the ones who asked on the first day of school (after 20 minutes of journal writing) if they could write SOME.MORE??? and they did.....for 40 more minutes.....
Nope. The new batch is NOT like that last class. Most years (last year being the exception) I don't LOVE them until about Halloween. This time it's not about the LOVE. I am trying to get to the LIKE part....those teachers out there understand from where I speak......
So anyhooooo....I have this shiny faced, be-speckled, tall boy named Jacob. I secretly call him Jucod cause that's how he writes his name. A "u" instead of an "a" and a "d" instead of a "b"....see what I mean, "Jucod". Jucod is in love with life. He dances. He talks...ALL.THE.TIME....if he has a thought, the rest of us know it.....he makes up the most elaborate stories when he thinks he is reading the words to the story, Sam Come Back. He does not know a shape from a word, from a color....letter sounds? Forget about it! Numbers? What are those? Despite all of this, Jucod is pretty entertaining. He loves life. He has a good time. He loves him some lunch. He loves to talk to me about his daddy and the drums while he's got a big ol mouthful. He wants to go to the library about 39 out of every 60 minutes, despite the fact that we have a couple of thousand books in our classroom library.
He absolutely does not "know" squat-ola. But you know what? He does not know that he does not know. The probability that special services are in his immediate future are high. I am not sure another year of Kindergarten would "fix" Jucod's issues.
He's just happy to be here. And be here he will. Our kindergartens are overcrowded and there will not be a new teacher hired. So we're stuck. Jucod and I. There will be no going back for him. No relief for me from the constant barrage of verbal onslaught that is Jucod.
He won't be in a reading group. Nope. He'll be in a very small group of one. Jucod. And me. That's all. Cause he and I will have to make our own way with this. So, while the others are sounding out words and reading and taking AR tests, Jucod will busy himself with learning Kindergarten skills in a first grade class.
We are not so different, Jucod and I....."kindergarten people" stuck in a first grade world. Maybe he will learn a little from me, and perhaps, I can learn a little from him.....
after all, someone that happy with life all the time can't be all that wrong Princess....they can't be all that wrong.....
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Domestic Diva.....
Those of you who know me, know that I do NOT cook. However, today, I actually planned my weekly menu. I sat down with a cookbook and made notes. I shopped. I bought actual ingredients for meals. Several of them. I know. I know. Something must be wrong. I do not like to cook. I am not great at it. What's the deal? I have a new class of students to get into shape. I go to work early. I stay late. I work on weekends, too. I don't have TIME to do all of the cooking and all of the domestic diva-ness.
Nevertheless, I have purchased all manner of meats and produce. I'll let you know how this goes.
I really think I am motivated by being absolutely.tired.of.everything.we.eat.already. I am also too tired when we come home to put on lipstick and go back out to eat. It cuts into my recliner time. And since this surgery, I am all about the recliner time. Especially after being with children all day long.
So, I'll let you know how my channeling of Paula Deen goes.......but it will have to wait until Monday..........
'Cause the Big promised the Little that we'd go to Picadilly tomorrow right after Church....his Pop Pop would have been so proud......and after all, who am I to mess with tradition?
So for now, I'll just stick it all in the "rotter" as Brandon would say.....
'Cause nothing ever gets any more crisp in the crisper, Princess....it never does.......
Nevertheless, I have purchased all manner of meats and produce. I'll let you know how this goes.
I really think I am motivated by being absolutely.tired.of.everything.we.eat.already. I am also too tired when we come home to put on lipstick and go back out to eat. It cuts into my recliner time. And since this surgery, I am all about the recliner time. Especially after being with children all day long.
So, I'll let you know how my channeling of Paula Deen goes.......but it will have to wait until Monday..........
'Cause the Big promised the Little that we'd go to Picadilly tomorrow right after Church....his Pop Pop would have been so proud......and after all, who am I to mess with tradition?
So for now, I'll just stick it all in the "rotter" as Brandon would say.....
'Cause nothing ever gets any more crisp in the crisper, Princess....it never does.......
A Distant Possibility.....
This week has been interesting......
I started school on Tuesday with a full class of 17 students. They are sweet and we are learning all about one another. I see my "last year's class" going down the hall to second grade. It makes me sad. It makes them sad, too. I love how they linger at the doorway as they walk down the hall to catch a glimpse into our room. The extreme classroom makeover they helped me do in May is working out wonderfully. I also miss Cassie, the wonderful student teacher I had from day one last year. She is with her own class of kindergarteners now. They are so lucky! I will have a new intern next Friday. She is going to be so excited! She was in my UofA class last fall. I really liked her as a student, so I know she is going to do a great job in my room. I want to email her, but I can't until the 19th. It's funny that I know and she is dying to know (they always are). I'd love to tell her, but we'd both get in trouble and that would be the end of interns for me.
Suzanne at the adoption agency also called on Wednesday. She has a birthmother who is due in November and wanted to share a little about her with me. By the time she finished talking, I was wishing I hadn't heard all that I had heard. Some things, you just can't "unhear". She does not know the sex of the baby, but is going to find out. I could not decide what to do. I wanted to want this situation so badly, but I could not muster the energy. I could not decide if it was residual funk from my surgery, the fact that school had started and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, or what. Truthfully, I was about as excited as if someone told me we were having seafood for dinner. yuck. Suzanne said to "think about it" and let her know by Friday.
So, I called my dear friend, Jennifer, who has walked every path in the road to adoption. We talked for a long time and she helped me see that this was NOT the perfect situation for me. That I don't have to "settle" for a situation that is not perfect for our family, just so the WAIT can be over. I knew that. I just needed to hear it from someone else. I still thought and prayed about it, but on Friday, I called and told Suzanne that we would pass on this situation. They were fine. They were gracious. They did not judge. I was relieved. And just to pour salt in my wounds, I asked about the baby that was born in July, the one where "S" picked the other couple instead of us, and just as I knew it would be, she said, "It was a girl.........." sigh..........
But then, my across the cove neighbor, Miss Linda, told me about a situation where a church member of hers and his girlfriend are expecting twin GIRLS in December, and they don't know what they are going to do. They are both young and just starting college. Miss Linda told the boy's father about us, and she delivered a letter and our KidsLife Magazine article to the family.
Now THIS is exciting! It may not go anywhere......but then again......you never know......
And I have a little more pep in my step and a dream in my heart......all because of a distant possibility Princess.......all because of a distant possibility...........
Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4,5
I started school on Tuesday with a full class of 17 students. They are sweet and we are learning all about one another. I see my "last year's class" going down the hall to second grade. It makes me sad. It makes them sad, too. I love how they linger at the doorway as they walk down the hall to catch a glimpse into our room. The extreme classroom makeover they helped me do in May is working out wonderfully. I also miss Cassie, the wonderful student teacher I had from day one last year. She is with her own class of kindergarteners now. They are so lucky! I will have a new intern next Friday. She is going to be so excited! She was in my UofA class last fall. I really liked her as a student, so I know she is going to do a great job in my room. I want to email her, but I can't until the 19th. It's funny that I know and she is dying to know (they always are). I'd love to tell her, but we'd both get in trouble and that would be the end of interns for me.
Suzanne at the adoption agency also called on Wednesday. She has a birthmother who is due in November and wanted to share a little about her with me. By the time she finished talking, I was wishing I hadn't heard all that I had heard. Some things, you just can't "unhear". She does not know the sex of the baby, but is going to find out. I could not decide what to do. I wanted to want this situation so badly, but I could not muster the energy. I could not decide if it was residual funk from my surgery, the fact that school had started and I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, or what. Truthfully, I was about as excited as if someone told me we were having seafood for dinner. yuck. Suzanne said to "think about it" and let her know by Friday.
So, I called my dear friend, Jennifer, who has walked every path in the road to adoption. We talked for a long time and she helped me see that this was NOT the perfect situation for me. That I don't have to "settle" for a situation that is not perfect for our family, just so the WAIT can be over. I knew that. I just needed to hear it from someone else. I still thought and prayed about it, but on Friday, I called and told Suzanne that we would pass on this situation. They were fine. They were gracious. They did not judge. I was relieved. And just to pour salt in my wounds, I asked about the baby that was born in July, the one where "S" picked the other couple instead of us, and just as I knew it would be, she said, "It was a girl.........." sigh..........
But then, my across the cove neighbor, Miss Linda, told me about a situation where a church member of hers and his girlfriend are expecting twin GIRLS in December, and they don't know what they are going to do. They are both young and just starting college. Miss Linda told the boy's father about us, and she delivered a letter and our KidsLife Magazine article to the family.
Now THIS is exciting! It may not go anywhere......but then again......you never know......
And I have a little more pep in my step and a dream in my heart......all because of a distant possibility Princess.......all because of a distant possibility...........
Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4,5
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Random Thoughts and Things.....
We are required to fill out forms at school, telling the new room parents all about ourselves....so the other night, while the rest of the world was asleep, this is what I wrote......
Random thoughts and things you should know about your teacher…….
I want you to know that I will love your children and protect them each day they are at school as if they are my own. Through fieldtrips, fire drills (or the real thing), tornado warnings, bomb threats or whatever the world may throw at us….I will be there, holding on to them as if they were of my own heart…….because in my mind, they are. For the first 7 years of my marriage, “my school children” were the only children in my life …. until we were blessed with the birth and adoption of our son. We are planning to adopt again, sooner rather than later. I think about school stuff all the time, “How can I do this better? What would make this more fun for the children? What new trick can I use to teach this lesson?” I really, really enjoy what I do. Most days, I think…”I get paid to do this!” I have never taught a child who was not in kindergarten or first grade (and barring a catastrophe, I never will!). I believe that play is a child’s work. Commercials make me cry. I spend at least 1 afternoon of most weekends at school for several hours, just to make The Bear Class run more smoothly! I love CSI, Grey’s Anatomy and In Plain Sight. I used to love Jon and Kate Plus Eight, but now I am over them. I discovered Disney World for the first time when our son was 5. It was as magical for me as it was for him. I secretly think I should have been a forensic detective! I love to read. I love to collect perfect children’s books to go with all of my lessons. I love to write. My secret desire is have a children’s book published. I love to do Creative Memories Scrapbooking (I only use CM products….my hubby calls me a scrapbook snob!) I love lots of different music. I love to sing with the children. I love to go to the beach and do nothing except play in the waves and the sand with our son and napping with my hubby. I eat NOTHING from the sea. I love teaching children how to read and add/subtract and do science experiments. I am thrilled when they get excited about their world. Junie B Jones and Ready Freddy are exactly like every little boy and girl I have ever taught. I like flowers and the outdoors and most bugs. I do not like to go camping! I am scared of spiders and suspicious of snakes. I do not like to eat meat with bones still attached. I love caterpillar bulldozers and big equipment. My comfort foods are sweet tea and chicken and dumplings. Fresh cut grass is one of my favorite scents. I believe wholeheartedly that napping is a hobby. I wish I would have invented post-it notes. I love Alabama Football. Walking across the Quad and hearing Denny Chimes ring makes my heart swell up and spill over. I believe that children should be taught to “fish” (if you show them how they can do it themselves). I miss my brother Brandon so intensely that it seems the pain is like a real thing in the room with me that won’t ever leave. I never wanted to be an only (surviving) child. I got to see firsthand that God will surround you with people who will pick you up and carry you, and who will tell you the words, when you have forgotten all that you know, due to personal tragedy (thank you precious parents and children of my 2008-09 class). Children are the reason I can get up and go on with life, even when my heart still aches…. everyday. I love Fall weather, Fall colors, Fall sights, smells and sounds. September 26th is my favorite day of the year. It’s the day I became a Mommy. I love watching birds and deer in the fields near our house. I love to take photos of the children busy at their work. HGTV is my favorite TV channel. I could spend hours in the children’s section of Barnes & Noble. Not a week goes by that I don’t buy at least one or two books. I love to watch thunderstorms but I am fearful of tornados. I am very nostalgic and keep way too much stuff! TiVo is awesome! Germs freak me out. I love Clorox wipes, Lysol Wipes, and Pine-sol! HA! I am the unofficial dentist at Rock Quarry. I am an advocate for children. I believe that being loved, fed, tucked in safe and warm and being read to every night is the undeniable RIGHT of every child and not a privilege of birth. I love room mommies. Recess should be a required subject. In The Bear Class Schedule it’s called Music and Movement, and we’ll go out almost everyday, even if I get in trouble, because I believe that strongly that children NEED.TO.PLAY….One of my favorite places in the whole world is our classroom. I love to host student teachers and teach them how to do what I do and how to love doing what I do. I also tell them that if they don’t just love it they should get out now ‘cause I don’t want them teaching my child or yours either….I’m just honest like that…..My favorite phrase for procrastination is, “straightening chairs on the Titanic!” (I straighten a lot! Ha) I am insanely loyal. I am very calm in serious situations and tend to fall apart later on when I am at home. There is purpose in everything we do in The Bear Class. I believe that each new day is a fresh start. I harbor a not-so-secret desire to go to China to adopt a little girl. I also believe that God will send me the child I am supposed to have. I love playdoh and that new crayon smell. Being called “Teacher Nerd” is a compliment. The sight of new school supplies at Wal-Mart in the summer makes me happy. I believe that if it is good enough for everyday in The Bear Class then it is good enough for “company”. I do not do “dog & pony shows” for visitors. What you see is what you get and in The Bear Class we think every day is an awesome day! Come on in! In the choice of doing what is right for a child or telling a parent what they want to hear to keep them happy, I’ll side with doing what’s right for the child every time. I believe that snow is magical and I wish we could see it more often. Art and Music are very important subjects. Vicki Nevin was my cooperating teacher a bunch of years ago when I was a student at the University of Alabama. One of the greatest privileges I have ever had was to come back to Tuscaloosa to be her teaching partner. The 1st Grade team of teachers at Rock Quarry is – hands down- the best grade level, in any school, in Tuscaloosa. I am honored to be part of this team. Blogging is a fun thing to do. I get grossed out at Go-Gurts and will go to great lengths to NOT open them myself. ..Yuck. Sometimes I teach college girls at The University, but little children are my favorite age to teach…I like Basenjis and Poodles and Labs….We will have fun everyday….I am not a huge fan of homework…….I will teach your children to love to read, read, read….I dislike handheld pencil sharpeners and don’t allow them in the classroom….same goes with mechanical pencils…. I think that as a society, we are taking away the youth and the childhood of our children by pushing too much in regards to test scores and the like. Teaching is not what I “do” it is part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with being a big fish in a small pond. I think making mud pies and fingerpainting and playing with puppets should be part of the curriculum…good manners are required from adults and children alike…… and I really believe that……. childhood should be a journey……..not a race.
Think they'll get a good picture of who I am?
Random thoughts and things you should know about your teacher…….
I want you to know that I will love your children and protect them each day they are at school as if they are my own. Through fieldtrips, fire drills (or the real thing), tornado warnings, bomb threats or whatever the world may throw at us….I will be there, holding on to them as if they were of my own heart…….because in my mind, they are. For the first 7 years of my marriage, “my school children” were the only children in my life …. until we were blessed with the birth and adoption of our son. We are planning to adopt again, sooner rather than later. I think about school stuff all the time, “How can I do this better? What would make this more fun for the children? What new trick can I use to teach this lesson?” I really, really enjoy what I do. Most days, I think…”I get paid to do this!” I have never taught a child who was not in kindergarten or first grade (and barring a catastrophe, I never will!). I believe that play is a child’s work. Commercials make me cry. I spend at least 1 afternoon of most weekends at school for several hours, just to make The Bear Class run more smoothly! I love CSI, Grey’s Anatomy and In Plain Sight. I used to love Jon and Kate Plus Eight, but now I am over them. I discovered Disney World for the first time when our son was 5. It was as magical for me as it was for him. I secretly think I should have been a forensic detective! I love to read. I love to collect perfect children’s books to go with all of my lessons. I love to write. My secret desire is have a children’s book published. I love to do Creative Memories Scrapbooking (I only use CM products….my hubby calls me a scrapbook snob!) I love lots of different music. I love to sing with the children. I love to go to the beach and do nothing except play in the waves and the sand with our son and napping with my hubby. I eat NOTHING from the sea. I love teaching children how to read and add/subtract and do science experiments. I am thrilled when they get excited about their world. Junie B Jones and Ready Freddy are exactly like every little boy and girl I have ever taught. I like flowers and the outdoors and most bugs. I do not like to go camping! I am scared of spiders and suspicious of snakes. I do not like to eat meat with bones still attached. I love caterpillar bulldozers and big equipment. My comfort foods are sweet tea and chicken and dumplings. Fresh cut grass is one of my favorite scents. I believe wholeheartedly that napping is a hobby. I wish I would have invented post-it notes. I love Alabama Football. Walking across the Quad and hearing Denny Chimes ring makes my heart swell up and spill over. I believe that children should be taught to “fish” (if you show them how they can do it themselves). I miss my brother Brandon so intensely that it seems the pain is like a real thing in the room with me that won’t ever leave. I never wanted to be an only (surviving) child. I got to see firsthand that God will surround you with people who will pick you up and carry you, and who will tell you the words, when you have forgotten all that you know, due to personal tragedy (thank you precious parents and children of my 2008-09 class). Children are the reason I can get up and go on with life, even when my heart still aches…. everyday. I love Fall weather, Fall colors, Fall sights, smells and sounds. September 26th is my favorite day of the year. It’s the day I became a Mommy. I love watching birds and deer in the fields near our house. I love to take photos of the children busy at their work. HGTV is my favorite TV channel. I could spend hours in the children’s section of Barnes & Noble. Not a week goes by that I don’t buy at least one or two books. I love to watch thunderstorms but I am fearful of tornados. I am very nostalgic and keep way too much stuff! TiVo is awesome! Germs freak me out. I love Clorox wipes, Lysol Wipes, and Pine-sol! HA! I am the unofficial dentist at Rock Quarry. I am an advocate for children. I believe that being loved, fed, tucked in safe and warm and being read to every night is the undeniable RIGHT of every child and not a privilege of birth. I love room mommies. Recess should be a required subject. In The Bear Class Schedule it’s called Music and Movement, and we’ll go out almost everyday, even if I get in trouble, because I believe that strongly that children NEED.TO.PLAY….One of my favorite places in the whole world is our classroom. I love to host student teachers and teach them how to do what I do and how to love doing what I do. I also tell them that if they don’t just love it they should get out now ‘cause I don’t want them teaching my child or yours either….I’m just honest like that…..My favorite phrase for procrastination is, “straightening chairs on the Titanic!” (I straighten a lot! Ha) I am insanely loyal. I am very calm in serious situations and tend to fall apart later on when I am at home. There is purpose in everything we do in The Bear Class. I believe that each new day is a fresh start. I harbor a not-so-secret desire to go to China to adopt a little girl. I also believe that God will send me the child I am supposed to have. I love playdoh and that new crayon smell. Being called “Teacher Nerd” is a compliment. The sight of new school supplies at Wal-Mart in the summer makes me happy. I believe that if it is good enough for everyday in The Bear Class then it is good enough for “company”. I do not do “dog & pony shows” for visitors. What you see is what you get and in The Bear Class we think every day is an awesome day! Come on in! In the choice of doing what is right for a child or telling a parent what they want to hear to keep them happy, I’ll side with doing what’s right for the child every time. I believe that snow is magical and I wish we could see it more often. Art and Music are very important subjects. Vicki Nevin was my cooperating teacher a bunch of years ago when I was a student at the University of Alabama. One of the greatest privileges I have ever had was to come back to Tuscaloosa to be her teaching partner. The 1st Grade team of teachers at Rock Quarry is – hands down- the best grade level, in any school, in Tuscaloosa. I am honored to be part of this team. Blogging is a fun thing to do. I get grossed out at Go-Gurts and will go to great lengths to NOT open them myself. ..Yuck. Sometimes I teach college girls at The University, but little children are my favorite age to teach…I like Basenjis and Poodles and Labs….We will have fun everyday….I am not a huge fan of homework…….I will teach your children to love to read, read, read….I dislike handheld pencil sharpeners and don’t allow them in the classroom….same goes with mechanical pencils…. I think that as a society, we are taking away the youth and the childhood of our children by pushing too much in regards to test scores and the like. Teaching is not what I “do” it is part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with being a big fish in a small pond. I think making mud pies and fingerpainting and playing with puppets should be part of the curriculum…good manners are required from adults and children alike…… and I really believe that……. childhood should be a journey……..not a race.
Think they'll get a good picture of who I am?
Friday, July 24, 2009
One Foot in Front of the Other.........
Well, things have gotten quite interesting here since my last post. On July 17th (a week ago today), I had uterine fibroids removed from my uterus. NOT. FUN. Dear Dr. Houserman did the honors. Hopefully this will help me to be pain free...something I have NOT been in quite a while.
The bad news is that in removing the fibroids (which were much more involved than previously thought) there is little left of my uterus that would make a safe place for a baby to grow. Also, the hysteroscopy revealed that the right tube was blocked with scar tissue and the left tube was all entangled in the cyst. This was very hard for me to hear. I realize that the chances of me conceiving a baby on my own are very slim on a good day, but we have the opportunity to be blessed with 2 adopted embryos, who will be biological siblings of the adopted embryo twins being carried in my dear friend Jennifer's tummy right now! I probably would never have been so brave to seek out and adopt embryos, but Jennifer is a dynamo, and so brave! The story of the adoption of the 2 "straws", each containing 2 tiny, frozen babies, is nothing short of a miracle. After being privy to the ins and outs of her story, I am certain that there is NO such thing as a coincidence. Everything is orchestrated in God's timing. And just today, we got to see pictures of Baby A and Baby B! Amazing!
Anyway, I was looking forward to having this year to get my body ready for the sibling set of Jennifer's twins to be transferred into my uterus. However, after the news last week, I doubt very much that it will be happening.....anyone have a uterus they are not using? We will most definitely have to use a gestational carrier. Do you know how complicated that will be? Not to mention expensive.......The Big Prince does not like complicated and expensive.......(someone should have warned him about me beforehand, it seems.....)
After I got over the shock of not even being able to carry someone ELSE'S babies in my uterus, I got ticked off that I now have a 4-5 inch c-section scar, with no babies (Now, apparently, NEVER) to show for it. And if I go to the follow-up appointment on Monday and learn that she really should have done a hysterectomy, I will absolutely have a come-apart. If this surgery does not stop the pain, and I have to go through it all again, I might just lose my mind!
Since all I have done for a week is lounge around and think it all through, I have decided there is only one thing left to do...............
I just have to put one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do.
I will admit, I had myself quite the LARGE pity party all this week. And you know what?
I am over it. I am absolutely tired of being downtrodden. This last year has done me in. I know that the anniversary of Brandon's death is going to hit me hard and I will be depressed and sad again.
But I am standing up, and walking.......one foot in front of the other.......I will get through this.
Some things that I am thankful for right now:
The Big Prince is a great nurse, and is so gentle and he even dried my big mane of hair after I showered cause I could not hold the hairdryer!
My parents are at the beach (and they are looking at condos!) and they sound "normal".
The Little Prince is home again after a week with the grandparents.
Jennifer got to see the babies....and they are perfect!
I have precious friends who have offered to do anything for me while I recuperate.
Maurine is once again making all of my copies for reading. (She did the whole year for me last year.)
The Little Prince's birth (half) sister has been emailing me and wants to have contact with him.
Our agency sent me an email that they had NOT been able to show our book this month due to the demographic of birthmothers who had come into the office not matching our criteria.....why is that a thing to be thankful for? Cause I know that "not right now" does not mean "not ever" and I am giddy with anticipation for the day the phone will ring.....
So, given the options of (1) lay down and die, or (2) take one more step........
I'll go with take a step Princess......just take one more step.............
The bad news is that in removing the fibroids (which were much more involved than previously thought) there is little left of my uterus that would make a safe place for a baby to grow. Also, the hysteroscopy revealed that the right tube was blocked with scar tissue and the left tube was all entangled in the cyst. This was very hard for me to hear. I realize that the chances of me conceiving a baby on my own are very slim on a good day, but we have the opportunity to be blessed with 2 adopted embryos, who will be biological siblings of the adopted embryo twins being carried in my dear friend Jennifer's tummy right now! I probably would never have been so brave to seek out and adopt embryos, but Jennifer is a dynamo, and so brave! The story of the adoption of the 2 "straws", each containing 2 tiny, frozen babies, is nothing short of a miracle. After being privy to the ins and outs of her story, I am certain that there is NO such thing as a coincidence. Everything is orchestrated in God's timing. And just today, we got to see pictures of Baby A and Baby B! Amazing!
Anyway, I was looking forward to having this year to get my body ready for the sibling set of Jennifer's twins to be transferred into my uterus. However, after the news last week, I doubt very much that it will be happening.....anyone have a uterus they are not using? We will most definitely have to use a gestational carrier. Do you know how complicated that will be? Not to mention expensive.......The Big Prince does not like complicated and expensive.......(someone should have warned him about me beforehand, it seems.....)
After I got over the shock of not even being able to carry someone ELSE'S babies in my uterus, I got ticked off that I now have a 4-5 inch c-section scar, with no babies (Now, apparently, NEVER) to show for it. And if I go to the follow-up appointment on Monday and learn that she really should have done a hysterectomy, I will absolutely have a come-apart. If this surgery does not stop the pain, and I have to go through it all again, I might just lose my mind!
Since all I have done for a week is lounge around and think it all through, I have decided there is only one thing left to do...............
I just have to put one foot in front of the other. That's all I can do.
I will admit, I had myself quite the LARGE pity party all this week. And you know what?
I am over it. I am absolutely tired of being downtrodden. This last year has done me in. I know that the anniversary of Brandon's death is going to hit me hard and I will be depressed and sad again.
But I am standing up, and walking.......one foot in front of the other.......I will get through this.
Some things that I am thankful for right now:
The Big Prince is a great nurse, and is so gentle and he even dried my big mane of hair after I showered cause I could not hold the hairdryer!
My parents are at the beach (and they are looking at condos!) and they sound "normal".
The Little Prince is home again after a week with the grandparents.
Jennifer got to see the babies....and they are perfect!
I have precious friends who have offered to do anything for me while I recuperate.
Maurine is once again making all of my copies for reading. (She did the whole year for me last year.)
The Little Prince's birth (half) sister has been emailing me and wants to have contact with him.
Our agency sent me an email that they had NOT been able to show our book this month due to the demographic of birthmothers who had come into the office not matching our criteria.....why is that a thing to be thankful for? Cause I know that "not right now" does not mean "not ever" and I am giddy with anticipation for the day the phone will ring.....
So, given the options of (1) lay down and die, or (2) take one more step........
I'll go with take a step Princess......just take one more step.............
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Countdown..........
Every morning, bright and early, I read through the paper while The Big Prince and The Little Prince are asleep. Lately, something that would usually make me giddy with excitement has been making me get that I.Can't.Breathe.Feeling......
It's the countdown to kickoff in the sports section. Normally, I would be getting my Alabama Crimson Tide gear out. I would be crankin' up the fight song and Sweet Home Alabama on my iPod. I would be calling my parents and my brother every.other.day to give them the, "It's fifty-eleven days till kickoff!" report.
However, all I can seem to do lately is think about the fact that one year ago, Brandon only had 60-ish days left to live. On July 27th, it will be one year to the day that my mother called me to tell me that Brandon was in the hospital and that the doctor was going to have to operate.......right away.......and I could tell by her tone that this was not like all the other times....she was scared. She was uncertain. She was worried. She had that mother's intuition that something was not right..........
So in reality, this countdown in my head, made concrete each morning by the sports page, is SHOUTING to me that there are only sixteen days left until July 27.........sixteen days.........sixteen days will make a year since my sweet brother's life as he knew it.......would come to an abrupt halt......in sixteen days it will be a year since he drove (yes, even in pain, he insisted on driving himself to the hospital), sixteen days since he had the last real conversation with my parents, or my sweet sister in law, Jada.....sixteen days makes a year that we trusted he'd come through this surgery just fine. Just as he had done all the other times.......
The reality is that Brandon did live through the surgery, but never really recovered. His fight ended on September 4, at about 3:30 am....surrounded by his wife and our parents, his great
in-laws and his friends and aunts and uncles and me......
Sixteen days will be the marker...July 27th. That will start the countdown over to September 4th. And that will be the end of the longest year of my life........and start the beginning of the next longest year.........year two without my blue eyed, gentle giant........sometimes I wonder how we will ever survive.......
they keep saying it will get better Princess.....they say it will.......
(but I'm not really sure I believe them..........not sure at all................)
It's the countdown to kickoff in the sports section. Normally, I would be getting my Alabama Crimson Tide gear out. I would be crankin' up the fight song and Sweet Home Alabama on my iPod. I would be calling my parents and my brother every.other.day to give them the, "It's fifty-eleven days till kickoff!" report.
However, all I can seem to do lately is think about the fact that one year ago, Brandon only had 60-ish days left to live. On July 27th, it will be one year to the day that my mother called me to tell me that Brandon was in the hospital and that the doctor was going to have to operate.......right away.......and I could tell by her tone that this was not like all the other times....she was scared. She was uncertain. She was worried. She had that mother's intuition that something was not right..........
So in reality, this countdown in my head, made concrete each morning by the sports page, is SHOUTING to me that there are only sixteen days left until July 27.........sixteen days.........sixteen days will make a year since my sweet brother's life as he knew it.......would come to an abrupt halt......in sixteen days it will be a year since he drove (yes, even in pain, he insisted on driving himself to the hospital), sixteen days since he had the last real conversation with my parents, or my sweet sister in law, Jada.....sixteen days makes a year that we trusted he'd come through this surgery just fine. Just as he had done all the other times.......
The reality is that Brandon did live through the surgery, but never really recovered. His fight ended on September 4, at about 3:30 am....surrounded by his wife and our parents, his great
in-laws and his friends and aunts and uncles and me......
Sixteen days will be the marker...July 27th. That will start the countdown over to September 4th. And that will be the end of the longest year of my life........and start the beginning of the next longest year.........year two without my blue eyed, gentle giant........sometimes I wonder how we will ever survive.......
they keep saying it will get better Princess.....they say it will.......
(but I'm not really sure I believe them..........not sure at all................)
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Our Shared Childhood
I have been struggling since Brandon's death, with the fact that I am now an only child.......
I have tried to put it in words but have never quite gotten it right. When Brandon died, part of me died with him. I have always heard people say that, but I did not understand what it meant. I thought, when I heard it, that it was just another way to say, "I miss him so much." But it is so much more than that. I understand that now...............
Recently, I have been reading Rhett Brother's People by Donald McCaig. And in the middle of this summer read, on page 114 in fact, was the sentence that summed it up. "When Charles died, the Hamilton's shared childhood died with him......."
That is exactly how I feel. When Brandon died, all that was our shared childhood died also. I have no one who "knows". No one who understands. No one for whom these phrases and many more make any sense.
"Boochie Tag!"
"I'll be Jenny, you be Timmy."
"Momma loves her Owen."
"Workin' on the hobby....."
"Mom loves me best!'
"I know what you're getting."
"Show me the funny..."
It makes me sadder that I can say. I hate hate hate being an only child. I don't know why anyone would choose to make their child an only child. I can tell you, it is a sad and lonely job. No child should ever have to grow up alone. It makes me even more resolved to complete our new adoption. I would hate for The Little Prince to be where I am today. I guess one could argue that if you don't know any better, you'll be alright. I disagree.
Life is meant to be shared, Princess.......it's meant to be shared.......
I have tried to put it in words but have never quite gotten it right. When Brandon died, part of me died with him. I have always heard people say that, but I did not understand what it meant. I thought, when I heard it, that it was just another way to say, "I miss him so much." But it is so much more than that. I understand that now...............
Recently, I have been reading Rhett Brother's People by Donald McCaig. And in the middle of this summer read, on page 114 in fact, was the sentence that summed it up. "When Charles died, the Hamilton's shared childhood died with him......."
That is exactly how I feel. When Brandon died, all that was our shared childhood died also. I have no one who "knows". No one who understands. No one for whom these phrases and many more make any sense.
"Boochie Tag!"
"I'll be Jenny, you be Timmy."
"Momma loves her Owen."
"Workin' on the hobby....."
"Mom loves me best!'
"I know what you're getting."
"Show me the funny..."
It makes me sadder that I can say. I hate hate hate being an only child. I don't know why anyone would choose to make their child an only child. I can tell you, it is a sad and lonely job. No child should ever have to grow up alone. It makes me even more resolved to complete our new adoption. I would hate for The Little Prince to be where I am today. I guess one could argue that if you don't know any better, you'll be alright. I disagree.
Life is meant to be shared, Princess.......it's meant to be shared.......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)